Dating the Musician
by Skyehawke
Summary: A Daria alterverse fic/Dating the Enemy crossover: It's senior year, and Daria finds herself trapped in Trent's body. A succinct summary yes - a bad description no. ^_^ R&R please.
1. Part 1 - Chapter One

Dating the Musician  
  
A Daria/Dating the Enemy Crossover  
By Fiona Lim  
flim@hotmail.com  
  
Dating the Enemy was an Australia-made movie (romantic-comedy) released in   
early 1996. It involves a couple (male and female) who find that they have   
mysteriously switched bodies. Thus, expect at some point gender-specific jokes   
and so on. By this stage, I hope you realise that this is a 'fanfic' and thus   
the only thing I can claim from it is the portrayal of the characters and the   
precise nature of the storyline (rather than the actual idea).   
  
Assumptions:  
1) Jane's Addition never occurred  
2) Thus, Tom and all the occurences involving his appearance never happened.  
3) Readers realise that this is a Trent-Daria-esque fanfic.  
4) Readers realise that flames will be laughed at, flattery read and forgotten   
and creative criticism and feedback remembered forever.   
  
Note: I've tried to be as original as possible given the subject matter.   
Unfortunately, on re-reading portions I realise that quite a lot sounds familiar.   
This is probably because while I wrote portions, I was still reading Daria fanfics   
out there. Thus, if something seems familiar and similar to what you wrote, tell   
me and I'll stick in a disclaimer or withdraw whatever it was. No copyright   
infringement (other than the obvious) is intended. Plagarism is for fools (and   
possibly the rich).  
  
Prologue  
  
[SUPER at bottom of screen in white:]  
  
[Super:]  
14th of September, Senior Year  
Lawndale  
  
[SCENE: Opening montage: above view of Lawndale (corporate sector) moving swiftly past   
down-town with a drop and run through a deserted Dega Street, crossing into Main Street   
and rising again to move towards the residential area]  
  
[VOICEOVER] Narrator [deadpan voice]: In the mists of time, legends say that humans were whole   
and happy, fearing nothing and needing no-one. In our joy, we angered the gods who had created   
us and who, in our blissful existence, we had forgotten to thank and worship continously with   
rites involving daily prayers and weekly congregations of idol worship intersped briefly with   
mob-like attacks on those who worships idols other than ours.   
  
[CAMERA SWINGS down road, following several cars moving past LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL (Local public   
high school). CAMERA FOLLOWS through the doors, past several students at lockers and through   
several more halls before entering a door.]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH TO: Classroom. ZOOM TO:]  
  
[MR. O'NEIL (English Teacher at Lawndale High) is sitting at the front, an alarmed look on his   
face. CAMERA PAN to show a senior class with DARIA (Eldest Morgendoffer daughter/Heroine)   
standing up, obviously reading outloud. She is the NARRATOR]  
  
Daria/Narrator: In their anger - brought about by the sense of impotence they felt due to their   
inability to either control something independent and their lack of true supernatural sense - the   
gods split each human into twain. The humans were cursed to wander the Earth searching for the   
other half of their self. They constantly experienced sensations of loneliness, unhappiness,   
misery which led to techniques variously known as 'repression','delusion' and 'religion' in their   
attempt to deny their existence or escape the reality that had been created.   
  
[CUT TO: O'NEIL who looks close to tears. CUT TO: Jane who is smirking. A row over and behind   
her, KEVIN looks bored and is flipping through FOOTBALL AMERICA (magazine) while BRITANNY is   
listening while twirling the tip of her hair around her little finger. JODIE has a small smile   
on her face while MACK is openly grinning. Several of the other students have shocked   
expressions, the rest look bored]  
  
Daria/Narrator [flat voice]: Legends say that several lucky few will find their 'other half' and   
attempt to recreate the sensation they felt before they were cut in twain by enduring a physical   
combining. Unfortunately, to fulfil this legend, many delude themselves into believing they have   
found their other half. This has led to much after-effects such as children, fashion, high   
schools and [DARIA looks at O'NEIL] teachers.  
  
[DARIA sits down. O'NEIL stands up opens his mouth to say something then bursts into tears and   
runs out of the door]  
  
Jane [leaning over to DARIA]: Damn you're good.  
  
Daria [Mona Lisa smile]: I know.   
  
[CUE opening credits: Song: Fade to Black by Mortal]  
  
[MONTAGE: Hallway with students talking in groups at their lockers. QUINN (Second/Youngest   
Morgendoffer daughter) is walking past talking to SANDI with TIFFANI and STACY (Fashion Club) in   
attendance, behind them, the three Js (JEFFY, JOEY and JAMIE) follow eagerly. BRITANNY and KEVIN   
are kissing while leaning against a locker. JODIE is walking quickly down the corridor with a   
stack of books, MACK is helping her with another stack of books. JANE and DARIA are walking out   
of the classroom]  
  
[SUPER in middle of screen: Skyehawke Archives Proudly Presents]  
  
Jane: Congratulations. That was the fourth time this month, and its only our tenth Senior   
Comparitive English class for the year.  
  
Daria: I haven't been feeling well. [smirk]  
  
[SUPER in middle of screen: In Conjunction with Fantaghiro Visions]  
  
Jane: Pizza?  
  
[SUPER in middle of screen: Proudly Presents]  
  
Daria: Let's see. Eat food-derived products in the cafateria or fat-related produce from Pizza   
King. [beat] Choices, choices.  
  
[SUPER in middle of screen: Daria Morgendoffer]  
  
Jane: Ah. The freedom of being a senior. Permission to leave school for lunch. [beat] So long   
as we don't bring our leave-taking to the attention of Ms. Li. [grins] Which is why it's so   
useful that Mr. O'Neil let us out early from class.   
  
[SUPER in middle of screen: Jane Lane]  
  
Daria: I can only try.  
  
[SCENE SWITCH: LANE house where TRENT is lying face down on bed. The Duck-Phone quacks. A hand   
reaches up and picks it up]  
  
Trent: Mrgh?  
  
[SUPER in middle of screen: Trent Lane]  
  
Jesse [Voice Only - tinny coming through phone]: Yo man. Where are you? The gig starts in twenty   
minutes. Can't start without the lead.   
  
[SUPER in middle of screen: Jesse Moreno and Mystic Spiral]  
  
  
Trent: [eyes wide, shocked] Sorry man! I overslept. [beat] I'll be right there.   
  
  
  
[SCENE SWITCH: Teacher's Lounge. O'NEIL is sobbing on couch. D'MARTINO is awkwardly standing   
there listening in the stance of: 'Don't know how to leave without having to deal with worse   
hystronics']  
  
Timothy (O'Neil): I [sob] knew I shouldn't have given the modern-comparison of [sob] old   
mythology assignment so soon! [gasps and continues sobbing] She's so good! But - she doesn't   
understand what I'm trying to teach and - [gulp] I don't want to fail her but - [sob] Every . .   
. [sob] She's so cynical [sob] and depressing! [wail]  
  
Anthony (D'Martino): PERHAPS you SHOULD just choose ASSIGNMENTS with SMALLER titles TIMOTHY!   
[roles eyes and stalks away as O'NEIL continues sobbing. He walks out as BARCH walks in and   
notices O'NEIL] Tell sobbin' FITS over there that if MS LI finds OUT he's taken ANOTHER personal   
timeout SHE'll be on the WAR PATH! [beat] AGAIN.  
  
Barch: What's wrong skinny?  
  
Timothy (O'Neil): [looks up and sobs]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH: DARIA and JANE in Pizza King in usual booth]  
  
Jane [mid slice]: Damn!  
  
Daria [one eye brow raised]: Are you talking to me or the voices in your head - [beat] again?  
  
Jane: I didn't even get to hand in my assignment. [looks depressed]  
  
Daria: You *did* your assignment.  
  
Jane: Hey - this *is* senior year. And you have to pass English to graduate.  
  
Daria: It's a painting right?  
  
Jane: [smirking] All Mr. O'Neil said was to relate an old myth into modern terms. He never said   
anything about it being written.  
  
Daria: That's because, as an English class assignment, it's considered a given that the work will   
be in a language of some sort. [beat] I think I'll do the next assignment in French - that   
should get us out early enough to have a super-delux everything-on-it.  
  
Jane: [surprised] You know French?  
  
[SUPER in middle of screen: in 'DATING THE MUSICAN']  
  
Daria: Good point. [beat] How about pig latin?  
  
Jane: [deadpan] Hail to the master.  
  
[SUPER in middle of screen: A Daria/Dating the Enemy crossover by Fiona Lim]  
  
[fade to black]  
  
la la LA la la  
  
[ACT 1: SCENE 1]  
  
[SCENE: Mystic Spiral is standing on top of a stage finishing a set in front of a day-time lunch   
crowd at a bar]  
  
[TRENT and JESSE are leaning in together as MAX starts to increase the beat and NIC tries to keep   
up in the back with the portable keyboard]  
  
Jesse: - told me who I was  
  
Trent: Twelve stinkin' years ago.  
  
Trent and Jesse: Now you taken it away  
  
Trent: And I don't know who I am any more.  
  
Jesse: [background] Twelve stinkin' years   
  
Trent: Took my ability to make my own words./So now I'm standing here  
[Jesse leans and joins in] Twelve stinkin' years later/ And I'm bitter and angry/ And cynically   
sad  
  
[JESSE starts in a guitar solo, with the rest of the band attempting to keep up. TRENT leans   
forward at the end, pulling the mike in close. As he does MAX stops playing abruptely; NIC's   
playing stops as well - however, it doesn't stop as quickly as MAX's drumbeat, so there's a weird   
'squawk' in the sudden silence]  
  
[Accompanied only by JESSE who is playing softly - a low 'thrum, thrum, thrum - da-dum']  
  
Trent [low, almost a whisper]: Because/ My identity is missing/ But I don't want it back.  
  
[The song ends. TRENT looks up, several members in the crowd look vaguely interested, the rest   
are talking, eating or drinking at the bar].  
  
Trent: Hey. You've been a great audience. We're Mystic Spiral.   
  
[TRENT, NIC, JESSE and MAX walk off, JESSE and TRENT carrying their guitars. Scattered applause   
can be heard for several seconds before they trail off. AIDAN YIK - the owner of the bar - walks   
up, he is a balding, fat, short man with a stained shirt and a faded blue bowler's jacket over   
gray slacks]  
  
Yik (owner of bar): Thanks for appearing on such short notice boys.   
  
Trent: No problem man.   
  
[There is silence for several seconds as if neither YIK nor Mystic Spiral know what to do next]  
  
Nick: You said twenty dollars - each.  
  
Yik: Oh? Oh yeah - whoops. Nearly forgot. [pulls out a sheaft of bills from the inside pocket   
of his jacket] Here.  
  
[NICK takes it quickly and counts it, before frowning]  
  
Nick: There's only seventy here.  
  
Yik [eyes widen in an attempt at surprise]: What? Oh - sorry! Sorry! [pulls out another ten and   
hands it to Nick, throwing him a disgusted look before stalking off].  
  
Nick: Idiot. [takes twenty and begins splitting the cash to JESSE, MAX and TRENT]  
  
Max [taking the twenty]: Gas money for the tank!  
  
Jesse: Rent. [pause] Food for the week. [pause] Maybe.  
  
Trent: Cool. [beat. Turns to leave]  
  
[NICK stops him]  
  
Nick: Yo Trent. We need to talk. Mystic Spiral I mean.  
  
[CUT TO: The Lane's Basement]  
  
Trent: What's up Nick?  
  
[Mystic Spiral are sprawled variously on the chairs and the couch set up near one door. JESSE is   
drinking a strange red liquid from a glass, there's a strange look on his face - its obvious that   
he doesn't like the taste but is thirsty. MAX has what looks like a portion of an automobile on   
the table and is cleaning it]  
  
Nick: Look man. We need to seriously think. I mean, the rest of us in the band don't have,   
like, free board and food. [beat. JESSE looks up, eyes sharpening, he continues drinking] Jesse   
and Max have to pay for food and groceries and the bills. And I've got a kid. Twenty every   
couple of weeks ain't enough to survive. Not even with government support and stuff.  
  
Max [not looking up]: And the Tank needs more cash for maintenance.  
  
Trent: [frowning] We ask for forty for each member per set? [frown deepens] Most of our gigs come   
'cause we're affordable not like 'Bashin' Brains' or 'Tumblin' Weed' down in Oakdale -  
  
Nick [cutting in, voice angry]: It can't be solved that easily man. I don't know bout you but   
I'm sick of twenty-buck gigs in the middle of no where. I'm sick of drunk assholes and low-life   
owners who try to stiff us a lousy ten bucks!  
  
Trent: Every band has to start small to make it big man. You *know* that -  
  
Nick: We've been doing small stuff for the past four years *man*. Like we've been thinking of   
changing that name for the past year.   
  
Trent: So what do you want to do? [angry] Quit?  
  
Nick: I want us to do something! Mystic Spiral isn't going anywhere!  
  
Max [alarmed look in eyes as he watches NICK and TRENT fight]: Chill you two.   
  
[NICK and TRENT don't hear MAX]  
  
Trent: Maybe if you could keep in time with the rest of us we would!  
  
Nick: Maybe if you could stay awake enough to get to practise and our gigs on TIME I could figure   
out what sort of time you're using Trent cause it sure as hell ain't two by four or anything else   
I've ever heard of!  
  
Trent: [angry] Just because I'm -  
  
Nick: A narcoleptic?! A lazy no-good useless slacker? It's been four years Trent and you *still*   
can't play a lousy open d! I should have known better than to join a band with somebody who   
failed a high school *music appreciation class*! Mr D'Martino was right about you!  
  
[END ACT 1: SCENE 1]  



	2. Chapter Two

[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: black and white, slow-motion repeat of TRENT and JESSE singing 'Identity' at   
the bar with MAX and NICK in the background]  
  
[START ACT 1: SCENE 2]  
  
[SCENE: DARIA and JANE are walking up to the Lane house when the front door is thrown open. An   
angry Nick followed by Jesse and Max storms out]  
  
Jane: Hey - [NICK storms past her. She frowns and grabs the edge of JESSE's vest as he walks   
past] Jesse. What's going on?  
  
[JESSE and MAX stops, Jesse has an apologetic look on his face while MAX looks resigned]  
  
Max: Nick and Trent had an argument.   
  
Jesse: And Nick threw Trent out and we had to leave since it's Trent's basement.   
  
Jane [eyebrow raised]: Ever thought of disagreeing with Nick?  
  
Jesse: Nick's my room-mate. It's - not right - to disagree with a decision your room mate makes.  
  
Nick [calling from Tank]: Yo Max! We going or not?!  
  
Max [shrugging]: And I'm driving. [pause] See ya Janey.  
  
Jesse: Yeah. See ya Janey.  
  
[JANE watches as JESSE and MAX get into the Tank and leave]  
  
Daria: Surprised? I thought you said Mystic Spiral broke up at least once every couple of months.  
  
Jane: Usually because Trent and Jesse have a fight - not because Trent and NICK has a fight.   
Nick usually doesn't say anything. [beat] Damn. This means Trent's going to be around the house   
twenty-four seven for the next couple of weeks till they - [beat. Gets alarmed look] Oh god! My   
room! [runs into the house]  
  
Daria: They oh god my room? Right, I must have zoned out and lost half of *that* conversation -   
[sees she's alone] Oncoming sign of the apocalypse: Jane misses an opportunity to bring up me   
'sympathising' with Trent. [beat] Again. [beat] This would be much more entertaining if Jane   
was here to make ironic comebacks. [V/O: "You're talking to yourself again." [beat] "I know."   
[beat] "Just go inside the house."]  
  
{DARIA walks into the house]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH: Jane's room. All that can be seen of TRENT is his backside. He's literally   
digging through JANE's closet. JANE is trying to pull him out. DARIA is standing at the   
doorway, a confused look on her face]  
  
Jane: Damnit Trent!  
  
Trent: Where is it?!  
  
Jane: You know you'll just hate yourself in the morning -  
  
Trent: So what -   
  
Jane: Ever thought about not listening to what [finally overbalances TRENT who falls back while   
JANE steps back and falls onto her bed. She pants briefly] Jesse says?  
  
Trent: You mean Nick. He said I couldn't play.  
  
Jane: Normally I would say that he was right but come on Trent - you know you love the music.  
  
Trent: [dejected as he sits, knees up, hands dangling between them, head resting on arms] But can   
I play? [looks up] Where'd you hide the whiskey?  
  
Jane [sighing]: You'll hate yourself in the morning.  
  
Trent: [dead voice] It's tradition. When the band breaks up I get dead drunk.   
  
Jane [walking over to bed-side table and pulling out a bottle]: You can explain to Dad - if he   
ever comes home - where all his Christmas whiskey went.  
  
Trent: Whatever. [takes the whiskey and stalks out of the room, ignoring Daria]   
  
  



	3. Chapter Three

[ACT 1: SCENE 2]  
  
[SCENE: Jane is staring at her easel a brush at the ready though she isn't painting. DARIA is   
lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling]  
  
Jane: - worried about Trent. I mean - this is the worse I've ever seen him. [beat] Aren't you   
worried at all?  
  
Daria [rolling over onto her side and proping up her head on her hand]: Trent doesn't seem the   
sort of person to beat himself up over this for too long. I mean, if Mystic Spiral's been   
breaking up and getting back together regularly, then things should be fine -  
  
Jane [cutting off DARIA as she viciously dips her paintbrush into some red paint and attacks the   
canvas]: You don't get it! *Jesse* and Trent fight *yes*. *Nick* never says anything - I mean,   
he's usually the one who helps make Jesse apologise or gets Trent talking with Jesse again.   
*Nick* never argues! He never really says much. [beat] Nick was the only one in the group that   
actually graduated you know?   
  
Daria: Go figure he was the one that ended up with a baby to support.  
  
Jane [sigh]: Mystic Spiral might have broken up for good this time. [dejected]  
  
Daria: Which means *what* precisely? Why are you so worried Jane?  
  
Jane: Trent barely stays awake for anything except the gigs and practising now of days. Without   
the band how often do you think he's going to move? [sighs and steps back from canvas. The   
painting is streaked with a mixture of red, black and blue. It screams 'anxiety, worry, anger'   
at anybody who looks at it]   
  
Daria: So find him something else to keep him occupied.   
  
Jane: [arching an eyebrow] You volunteering?  
  
[DARIA flushes and glares at JANE who smirks]  
  
Daria: One day, when you least expect it - I'll  
  
Jane: Thank me for all I've done for you and Trent? Well, you're welcome in advance. [grins]  
  
Daria: With torture thrown in free of charge.   
  
Jane: When friends kill friends. *Next* on Sick Sad World. [sighs] Nope. The usual bantering   
isn't lifting my mood. Still worried about Trent. [stops painting and sits down on bed, facing   
the door rather than DARIA] Trent wasn't always like that you know.  
  
  
Daria: [sitting up cross-legged on the bed] Like what?  
  
Jane: You know - a narcoleptic-like person. Back when I was in middle school he use to - [trails   
off]   
  
Daria: Stay awake more often?  
  
Jane: Yeah. And other stuff. [beat] The school counselor said that Trent fell asleep because he   
was a high achiever.  
  
Daria: *Trent*. [incredulous]  
  
Jane: [not really listening to DARIA] When he can't meet his expectations, he gets frustrated,   
tries harder and when he still can't meet them, he gets depressed and goes to sleep.   
  
Daria: [still shocked] *Trent*. [beat] We're talking about your older brother here - tends to   
sleep a lot and has a bohemian approach to life, time and personal hygene - *Trent*?   
  
Jane [still not really listening]: Mum laughed at the counselor - but it sorts of fits doesn't   
it? And Trent's problems with sleeping just sort of - increased - since then. Every year it gets   
worse. [trails off dejectedly. Undertone] I miss my older brother. We use to *talk* about   
stuff other than how he should wake up so I can get a lift somewhere.  
  
Daria [surprised]: You really are worried aren't you?  
  
Jane [turning around, slightly angry]: Of course! He's my older brother! It's not as if we're   
like you and - [pause, sighs] Sorry. I - just - [sighs and stands up] I'm going for a run.   
[runs out of door]  
  
Daria [stares after JANE worriedly]: I - didn't know it was this serious.   
  
[The downstairs door slams shut as JANE leaves. This is followed by a large thump from TRENT's   
bedroom. DARIA looks alarmed and quickly stands up and runs out of JANE's room to see what   
happened]  
  
[END ACT 1: SCENE 2]  
  



	4. Chapter Four

[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: Blue tinted slow motion replay of JANE pulling TRENT out of her closet]  
  
[START ACT 1: SCENE 3]  
  
[SCENE: Trent's room. Cloths lie strewned across the floor. TRENT has a blue and green guitar   
and is about to swing it against the floor again - several strings have already come out though   
that seems to be the only damage. DARIA has just opened the door]  
  
Daria: [alarmed] *Trent*! What are you doing?  
  
Trent [looking up and staring at DARIA in surprise]: Oh. Hey Daria.   
  
Daria: [V/O: "How can he say that as if everything is normal. He's breaking his *guitar*!"]   
Don't do it.   
  
Trent: Do what?  
  
Daria: Break your guitar.  
  
[TRENT looks at the guitar as if he's just realised what he's doing and puts it down shakily onto   
the bed]  
  
Trent: Might as well. Not going to use it anyway. [He sat down onto the bed, the guitar bounces   
slightly, letting out a pained 'schtz' before several more strings break. DARIA winces] Damn.   
[he falls back, narrowly missing the guitar] I'm drunk.  
  
Daria [deadpan]: You don't say.  
  
Trent [coughs/laughs bitterly]: Good one. [beat. Depressed and meloncholy] What am I going to   
do Daria?   
  
Daria [sighs]: [sits down on the bed beside TRENT, looking forward, a light flush on her face]   
What do you want me to say Trent? [beat] I've known you for two years now - and every now and   
then, we have these conversations. And I say the same thing and you agree - and several months   
later we have the same conversation again. I don't think it's helping.  
  
Trent: [not really listening] You seem to see so clearly. I - [shrugs] can't really see at the   
moment.   
  
Daria: That's because you're drunk.  
  
Trent: Yeah. [beat] What do I do with my life? I'm twenty two years old, living in my parent's   
house. I don't have a job. God - I bet the only one I could get with my luck is on the highway   
at a tollbooth or something. [beat. Shudders] Nightmare lane.   
  
[DARIA nearly smiles before she realises that TRENT wasn't joking. TRENT isn't really listening   
to her]  
  
Trent (continued): And the band's broken up because of me. [beat] I can't stay in this room all   
my life - I've got to do *something* - other than sleep and eat I mean.  
  
Daria: Are you sure the band broke up because of you - or because of the usual anger and   
frustration loop?  
  
Trent: It was because of me. Or maybe everything. I've got to face it - I mean. . . [pause]   
Mystic Spiral isn't going anywhere - we play at low-end dives, we get penny-ant for cash. Half   
of our practise sessions are no-shows - and I don't really care. [he closed his eyes as DARIA   
turned to look at him worriedly] I use to but - [shrugs] I don't anymore. I just - don't care   
any more.  
  
Daria: About the band?  
  
Trent [edge of desperation in voice]: About - anything. Music, the band. Playing. I just -   
can't even be bothered waking up half the time. It's like being dead. And then all I want to do   
is sleep. [beat] That might make some good lyrics actually.   
  
Daria: [V/O: "No it wouldn't."] Um - maybe.  
  
Trent: You're lying. [beat] God. I'm going to end up some dead-beat toll-collector on the high   
way.   
  
Daria: Y -  
  
Trent [continuing, not hearing DARIA, talking in an undertone with a slur in his voice. He's   
obviously drunk]: They were right - worthless. . . No way I can make it - at anything. . .   
[trails off into silence]  
  
Daria: [V/O: "What can I say? I don't know anything about musicians and how they gain their   
inspiration. And I don't know why Trent isn't feeling emotional over his music. Do musicians   
need to feel inspired to play? Do they need motivation and love to succeed at what they do best?   
Maybe it's because he's sick of music - maybe because. . . I don't know anything about this."]   
Trent - [pause, looks up and realises that TRENT has sat up while she was thinking]  
  
[TRENT is staring at her, he's close since DARIA had been sitting next to his legs when he had   
fallen on the bed. His nose is almost touching hers]  
  
Daria: Trent?  
  
Trent: [sophoric grin] Hey Daria. You're really pretty you know. [reaches up and takes off her   
glasses] And your eyes are really - [pause] pretty.   
  
Daria: [V/O: "Guess who's getting a thesaurus for his next birth - what the hell am I thinking?   
Did he just - he did! Say something! Anything!"] Ah. . .  
  
Trent: Too bad you're only like sixteen. . . [trails off, still staring at her]  
  
Daria: I'm eighteen this year. [V/O: "What do you think you're doing Daria Morgendoffer?"]  
  
Trent [grin widens]: Well then that's all right. [kisses her]  
  
Daria: [V/O: "Oh. That's all right then."]  
  
[The door to TRENT's room is open and JANE is standing there, mouth open. After several seconds,   
she closes the door - TRENT and DARIA don't notice - and walks away]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH: The hallway. JANE is leaning against the wall]  
  
Jane: [V/O: "Oooookay."] Well, at least he's got something to keep him occupied. [beat] What the   
hell am I saying? Damn! That's Daria in there! [V/O: "I'm almost sure she's had a crush-obsession   
on him for the last two years. . . Or at least she's never really tried to kill me for pulling   
the yenta act on her and Trent. And this is the last year of high school - every girl deserves   
to have something unusual and strange happen to her. Dating Trent counts on BOTH sides for   
that." [beat] "If he hurts her - if she hurts him. . ."] Damn. This is going to be *strange*.  
  
[JANE walks slowly back to her room and closes the door]  
  
[END ACT 1: SCENE 2]  
  



	5. Chapter Five

[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: Purple-tinted slow-motion repeat of TRENT kissing DARIA]  
  
[INTERLUDE: American Pie by Don McLean]  
  
[MONTAGE:]  
  
TRENT and DARIA sitting in the Plymouth eating some sort of burger and chip concoction. It is   
night.   
  
DARIA walking down the halls of Lawndale High with JANE talking. Both suddenly turn around, as   
if in shock. Through a nearby window we see TRENT and the Plymouth, he's leaning against it with   
a smirk/grin. DARIA flushes then vanishes. JANE sighs and leans against nearby locker watching.   
Seconds later, DARIA appears and is caught by TRENT who kisses her soundly. Scene flashes over   
to BRITANNY, JODIE and MACK who look shocked and amused. Scene flashes to QUINN who looks   
shocked but happy. Scene flashes to Sandi who looks disgusted, Stacy who is smiling with tears   
in her eyes and TIFFANI who has a expression 'Oh. Is that all? What's so strange about that?' on   
her face.  
  
TRENT and DARIA sitting in Pizza King with JANE and TOM on the other side. Both couples are   
oblivious to each other. DARIA is smiling and staring up at TRENT who seems equally smitten.   
JESSE nervously approaches. He says something and TRENT looks up angrily. DARIA touches his arm   
and TRENT calms down. JESSE sits down.  
  
DARIA reading something out in TIMOTHY O'NEIL's class.   
  
O'NEIL sobbing in the teacher's lounge with an irritated D'MARTINO and a surprised BARCH. In the   
background, the trees are loosing their leaves.  
  
NICK and TRENT are fighting with MAX and JESSE trying to pull them apart.  
  
DARIA reading something out in TIMOTHY O'NEIL's class.   
  
O'NEIL sobbing in the teacher's lounge with an irritated D'MARTINO and a surprised BARCH. In the   
background, there is snow on the ground.  
  
NICK yelling at TRENT.  
  
TRENT sitting on the couch, DARIA sitting helplessly next to him looking miserable.  
  
TRENT in his room, slowly picking up his guitar (it is pretty obvious he hasn't practised with it   
in a while).  
  
DARIA reading something out in TIMOTHY O'NEIL's class.   
  
O'NEIL sobbing in the teacher's lounge with an irritated D'MARTINO and a surprised BARCH. The   
snow is slightly deeper. Some students are outside throwing snowballs at each other with MS LI   
encouraging a group of students who are shovelling paths through the snow.  
  
DARIA sitting in TRENT's room as he plays his guitar. The look on her face screams: 'He's   
terrible but I love him anyway'  
  
JANE reading something out in TIMOTHY O'NEIL's class. O'NEIL looks shocked with tears trembling   
in his eyes.  
  
O'NEIL sobbing in the teacher's lounge with a surprised D'MARTINO and an irritated BARCH. In the   
background it's raining.  
  
DARIA sitting in TRENT's room, his music is improving. DARIA is writing something on a legal pad   
as she listens. TRENT is staring at her with a solemn look on his face.  
  
O'NEIL sobbing in the teacher's lounge with an irritated D'MARTINO and a surprised BARCH. In the   
background, the sun is shining and it's the beginning of spring. There is a basket of easter   
eggs sitting on the table D'MARTINO is perched on.   
  
In TIMOTHY O'NEIL's classroom, the senior class is waiting impatiently for their teacher, DARIA,   
JANE and JODIE among them. DARIA is writing something. JANE looks over her shoulder, it's a   
sheet of music.  
  
DARIA hands TRENT the same sheet of music. As she turns away TRENT smiles at her affectionately.  
  
JODIE reading something out in O'NEIL's class. O'NEIL has tears pouring down his face and runs   
out before JODIE finishes.  
  
O'NEIL clutching D'MARTINO as he cries - D'MARTINO is trying to get away but can't. BARCH looks   
amused.  
  
TRENT, JESSE, MAX and NICK playing in the Lane's basement. DARIA is sitting on the basement   
stairs, a pleased look on her face. TRENT is staring at DARIA as he sings, she looks flattered.  
  
  
Time lapse - DARIA, realising the song lyrics, look bemused and a little uncertain.  
  
Time lapse - TRENT, JESSE, MAX and NICk are playing in the Lane basement with DARIA in attendence   
- she's looking bored and a trifle depress.  
  
TIMOTHY O'NEIL stepping uncertainly into his class, sees DARIA, JODIE and JANE and runs out.  
  
O'NEIL sobbing in the teacher's lounge - this time without D'MARTINO and BARCH. MS DEFOE appears   
in the doorway looking as if she's being pushed.   
  
[VIEW FROM BEHIND] DEFOE is being pushed into the lounge by D'MARTINO and BARCH.  
  
Mystic Spiral playing at the Zen with a crowd of cheering teenagers.  
  
TRENT getting out of his car (obviously after practise) to pick up DARIA from school who looks   
happy.   
  
DARIA and TRENT having pizza with JANE and TOM.  
  
Mystic Spiral playing at McGrundy's to similiarly cheering teenagers.  
  
TRENT getting out of car, half asleep and kissing DARIA absentmindedly before getting back in and   
driving off to practise. DARIA looking confused.   
  
TRENT and DARIA having a quick pizza with TRENT and JANE before TRENT runs off. DARIA looks   
hurt.  
  
Mystic Spiral playing at the daytime pub they had played at before, this time to cheering   
teenagers and annoyed looking regulars.  
  
DARIA sitting outside the school waiting for TRENT. JANE is standing beside her looking angry.  
  
TRENT drives up to the entrance of Lawndale High. DARIA is sitting on the steps, she is   
absolutely emotionless - a change from previous scenes - JANE is pacing. The sun is setting   
rather than high as in previous scenes. TRENT walks out and apologises to DARIA. JANE yells at   
TRENT. DARIA says something, JANE shakes her head then runs home. TRENT kisses DARIA who's face   
is expressionless. The two get into the plymouth and drive off.  
  
Mystic Spiral is playing at McGrundy's. DARIA is sitting at a table, looking bored and rather   
lonely as TRENT sings. This time he can't see her because of the standing crowd of cheering   
teens. From where she's seating, DARIA can see him leaning with the mike, crowd-serenading to a   
patch of pretty Goth girls.  
  



	6. Chapter Six

[ACT 2: SCENE 1]  
[SUPER at bottom of screen in white]  
[SUPER:]  
1st of January, Senior Year  
  
[SCENE: 10 pm, full moon. TRENT's Plymouth is waiting outside the Morgendoffer's house. DARIA   
is standing uncertainly, staring up at TRENT]  
  
Daria: It was - interesting. [V/O: "If you find not talking and sitting in bars that have no   
central heating *or* cooling, surrounded by sweating, heaving bodies and possibly inhaling enough   
smoke laden with drugs to get high 'interesting'."]  
  
Trent: Sorry about the beer.  
  
Daria [staring down at her jeans, which look curiously wet]: I have another pair. [V/O: "That   
smells of peanut butter. But between peanut butter and beer I'll take peanuts anyday."]  
  
Trent [oblivious]: I'll see you tomorrow.  
  
Daria: [V/O: "Tell him."] Um. Yeah. See you. [V/O: "Coward."]   
  
[DARIA watches, a little dejectedly as TRENT gets into the Plymouth and rides away. She turns   
and walks into the house]  
  
[SCENE: Morgendoffer kitchen, HELEN and JAKE are sitting at the table. HELEN has her work spread   
all over the surface while JAKE is reading a book ("How to sell How To Books"). The sound of a   
door slamming is heard.]  
  
Daria [off-screen/voice only]: I'm home.  
  
[JAKE looks at his watch]  
  
Jake: Hey! It's gone ten! Why is Daria coming home so late?   
  
Helen: [looking up tiredly] She was out on a date Jake. She's been *dating* that Trent Lane boy   
for the past five months. [goes back to scrawling notes on a legal pad. Mutters] Damn Eric for   
switching back to manual. *I* thought the intra/extranet system was working *fine*.   
  
Jake: Daria dating - my little girl *dating* a - [pause] Who is she dating?  
  
Helen [not looking up]: Trent Lane. Jane Lane's older brother. A musician. [She continues   
writing as JAKE goes into a tirade] [V/O: "God. This happens at least once every three weeks.   
He's as regular as -"]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH: Daria's room. DARIA is lying on her bed and staring at the ceiling]  
  
Daria [low voice]: Does he even *like* me or is he just. . . Dating me because - [pause]   
because he doesn't know how to end it? [V/O: "And why am I still going out with him when I'm not   
even sure -"]  
  
[Abrupt stop, its obvious that she doesn't want to finish the thought]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH: Lane House]  
  
[SCENE: Jane is sitting on the stairs as TRENT walks into the house. The lights are off. TRENT   
closes the door and flips the switch, heading for the kitchen. He is cut off by JANE who steps   
in front of him. JANE looks angry.]  
  
Trent: Oh hey Janey.  
  
Jane: Don't hey me you idiot.  
  
[TRENT blinks in surprise]  
  
Trent: You aren't still annoyed because I was late are you Janey? You know what I'm like with   
deadlines and all that sort of stuff. [trails off and yawns, looks sleepy]  
  
Jane: Yes - though god knows why *I* am the only one. God Trent - what are you doing to Daria?  
  
Trent: [cough] That isn't any of your -  
  
Jane: The hell it isn't! She's my best friend -!  
  
Trent: And she's my *girlfriend*. What we do is -  
  
Jane: It *is* my business when you're hurting Daria! She's my best friend and you're my brother.   
I wanted the two of you to get together but not if it means you're going to dump Daria and break   
her heart -   
  
Trent: I'm not breaking her heart Janey. [looks insulted] I asked her, Daria said everything was   
fine. [says it as if it was proof]  
  
Jane: If you think she was telling the truth then you're more of an idiot than I thought. But if   
you *accept* what she told you as the truth, after knowing her for the past two years, then you   
*deserve* to loose her. [stalks up the stairs]  
  
[TRENT stares after JANE and then continues into the kitchen]  
  
[FADE out to: Lawndale High entrance, afternoon.]  
  
[SCENE: DARIA and JANE are sitting beneath their usual tree]   
  
Jane: - beer? [beat. Attempting to bring some humour into the conversation] Well at least it   
wasn't something else. [beat; makes a face] Oh *yuck*. Forget I said that. There's   
*somethings* even *I* draw the line at imagining.  
  
Daria: At least beer comes out better than peanut butter. [beat] I was sheduled for another   
shopping expedition this year anyway. This way I can convince Mum to let me go get two pairs of   
jeans by myself rather than loosing more storage space when I have to 'loose' the pink stuff in   
my oh-so-crowded closet.  
  
Jane: You'd think she would get a clue after four bi-annual events.  
  
Daria: Mum lives in hope. [beat] Trent did me a favour. I could see that predatory look in her   
eyes all yesterday during the four seconds she managed to say something to me between yelling at   
Quinn, shouting at Dad and chirping at Eric.   
  
Jane: Clothes-hunting in the wilds of the suburbian Mall.   
  
Daria: [deadpan] Daughters who kill their parents over a pink t-shirt. Next on Sick Sad World.  
  
[They sit in silence for several seconds]  
  
Jane: [curiously flat voice] I never thought I'd see the day.  
  
Daria: Excuse me?  
  
Jane: He's killing you isn't he Daria? Little by little - I've never seen you sacrifice your   
ethics before. Not for academic achievement. Not for getting it a little easier. Not even for   
companionship. You don't give an inch - ever. [beat; JANE is visibly searching for how to say   
what she is about to say] Trent's my brother - and I love him - but he's an ass.  
  
[DARIA stares at JANE in shock, speechless]  
  
Jane (cont): He's my brother [sigh] you're my best friend. The only one I've ever had.   
[continues in an off-beat almost sarcastic tone with underlying seriousness] It should have been   
a match made in heaven.   
  
Daria [attempt at humour]: Or some derived, negative-bearings substitute there-of.  
  
Jane: [beat] As your sole friend, tell me honestly, how much longer before you do what you should   
have done the second you started hating the way he ignores you, forgets about you for periods of   
time and shows little to no drive for anything? [beat, in a serious tone] I've never seen you   
like this before Daria. You even gave up a perfectly good opportunity to drive Mr. O'Neil to   
tears this morning! [beat] Not that you needed to since he did it five seconds later when Andrea   
read out her piece. [beat] Seriously Daria - I've never seen you act like this before. [beat.   
Attempt at humour] And it's scaring me.  
  
Daria [serious, low]: You've never seen me with a boyfriend before. Hell - *I*'ve never seen me   
with a boyfriend before. [beat] I - I can't hate him, but I can hate the way he's treating me.  
  
Jane: He doesn't mean to - I don't think he realises. This is the way he's treated all of his   
girlfriends. Hell, this is probably why Monique dumped him so often.  
  
Daria: Don't you think I *know*? But what do I say? [deadpan] 'Hey Trent - pay attention to me or   
I'll start throwing pointed objects and wielding sticks with nails in them'?  
  
Jane [chuckling]: Might help. [serious] What are you going to do?  
  
Daria [serious]: I don't know. Maybe Monique's approach was right - dump him. Hurt him. Make   
him notice me. Then he'll pay attention for a little while. [trails off. Silence. Attempt at   
humour] I just said words - and they were in sentences. But the meaning scares me. [beat] I   
can't do that to him.  
  
Jane: I know. [pause] On both counts.   
  
Daria: This is ridiculous - I'm not suppose to fall into like - or love. Or obsession. [attempt   
at humour] I'm cynical, realistic and an agnostic. Love and romance is *not* part of my   
personality.  
  
Jane: Neither's compassion. [pause] You're probably the only reason why Trent isn't still dead   
drunk and Mystic Spiral exists at the moment Daria. [beat] Do a Monique on Trent. You don't   
deserve this.  
  
Daria: I wish I could.  
  
[bell rings]   
  
[SCENE SWITCH: Trent's room]  
  
[SCENE: TRENT is strumming on the guitar, reading off a sheet of paper - ZOOM on paper, it's   
covered with musical notation and DARIA's handwriting. ZOOM OUT: TRENT starts singing]  
  
Trent: Hiding from myself/Can you see who I am?/Beneath the words/Beneath the smiles/Can you see   
who I am?/Golden lights/Gleaming hair/You can't see can you?/I can see into your mind./I know   
what you think./You see me -/Underneath it all/There's nothing there. [pauses and scribbles on   
the sheet of paper and starts playing again this time to a different rhythm].  
  
[TRENT looks up as his door is opened. MONIQUE is standing there. Sunlight from the hall   
windows stream into the room. MONIQUE looks very thin, there are bruises running up her arms and   
shadows underneath her eyes]  
  
Trent: [blinking in surprise and from the sunlight] Monique? [beat] What happened -  
  
Monique: [cutting off TRENT. Urgency in tone of voice. Drawling] Hey lover. [grins] I just hit   
town and thought I'd look you up. [beat; frowns] Aren't you happy to see me?  
  
Trent: Sure Monique but -  
  
[The view switches rapidly to behind Monique as she steps into the room and shoves the door   
close. We see just before the door slams close, MONIQUE's blouse hitting the floor and TRENT's   
wide eyes]  
  
[END ACT 2: SCENE 1]   
  



	7. Chapter Seven

[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: Black and white slow motion of Monique's blouse hitting the floor and TRENT's   
wide eyes]  
  
[START ACT 2: SCENE 2]  
  
[SCENE: DARIA is standing outside TRENT's bedroom. JANE is next to her. DARIA's hand is on the   
doorknob]  
  
Daria: [turning away] I can't do this.   
  
Jane [putting hand on DARIA's shoulder]: Look - I won't stop you if you don't want to do this -  
  
Daria [looking at JANE's hand with raised eyebrow]: So why are you?  
  
Jane: Okay, so I am going to make you do this. For god's sake Daria - Trent's making you do   
things you don't normally do.  
  
Daria [in a 'so what's new' tone]: Lets all remember the belly-ring incident at this point.  
  
Jane: [flat voice] He's treating you like a door mat. Don't let him do that to you -   
  
Daria: Or what? I can't do this to him and I can't -  
  
Jane: [cutting in] I'll tell Ms. Li that she should showcase Lawndale High's budding writers'   
skills with a special edition school newspaper. [beat] And nominate your name as the editor.  
  
Daria: You wouldn't because you know I'd drag you down with you.  
  
Jane: Damn. Foisted again. [beat] Just do it Daria.  
  
Daria: Nike.  
  
Jane: Jane Lane. [pause] Well?  
  
[DARIA takes a deep breath and slowly pushes the door open.]  
  
[ZOOM in to show DARIA's eyes grow wide as she sees into TRENT's bedroom. CAMERA PAN: TRENT's   
room view from doorway. TRENT is asleep, with MONIQUE lying half ontop of him. MONIQUE is   
noticeably naked. TRENT opens his eyes, and sees DARIA and then JANE]  
  
Trent [flushing]: *Daria*! [jumps out of bed. MONIQUE groans and rolls over and continues   
snoring]  
  
[DARIA slams the door shuts and runs down the corridor. TRENT throws open the door, he is   
buttoning the top of his jeans (half unbottoned) and makes to follow her. JANE steps in front of   
him and stops him by putting a hand on his chest]  
  
Jane: You - [beat] *idiot*. [turns and runs down corridor after DARIA]  
  
[Sound of slamming door as DARIA leaves house]   
  
Trent: Damnit. . . [beat. Slams fist into wall] *Damnit*! [Hits wall again] *DAMNIT*!  
  
[Sound of slamming door from downstairs as JANE leaves house after DARIA]  
  
[END ACT 2: SCENE 2]  
  



	8. Chapter Eight

[ACT 2: SCENE 3]  
  
[SCENE: Daria's room. DARIA is sitting on her bed, crosslegged. She is playing on an old guitar   
(small, cheap looking, looks like it was meant for a child). In front of her is a notebook   
filled with what looks like musical notations and DARIA's notes. ZOOM to show that the notes are   
actually lyrics. At the top of the sheet is the words: 'Lullaby']  
  
[Hesitantly, DARIA plucks out the tune. It is very simplistic, just a simple tune - very much   
like a lullaby]  
  
[A banging noise is heard against the wall]  
  
Quinn [voice only]: DA-RIA! Could you stop playing so *loudly*? It's - like - really annoying and   
grating and stuff!  
  
[DARIA ignores her sister and continues playing]  
  
Quinn [voice only]: *Mu-um*! Daria keeps *playing* and you can hear it straight through the walls   
and it's really annoying and I'm *trying* to do my maths homework and I can't concentrate - and   
if I concentrate more I'll get those nasty frown lines -  
  
Helen [annoyed]: Daria can you just do like your sister says - I'm *trying* to do my work and -  
  
[DARIA abruptely stands up and walks to the open closet. At the back, hidden in the shadows, we   
can see a vent. She stuffs her jacket against it and goes back to playing. The sounds from   
outside the room are a little bit more muffled now.]  
  
Quinn [voice only/muffled]: Finally!  
  
[DARIA ignores her and continues playing]  
  
Daria: [undertone, monotone voice. She's speaking along to the music in a way to keep time   
rather than actually singing] Hold me close/Hide the world/From mine eyes/Keep me safe [beat, she   
stops and pulls off her glasses and wipes her eyes vigorously. Without putting on the glasses,   
she continues playing, obviously from memory] From the times when I must cry. [beat; DARIA   
stumbles slightly over the tune, it's getting more complicated. She whispers the next words   
rather than sings/hums them] The blade is sharp/glinting in the night/outside the cars   
rush/uncaring through the dark -  
  
[SCENE SWITCH: Jane is at the door staring at a surprised JAKE]  
  
Jake: Hiya Jane-o! I thought Daria was at your house!  
  
Jane: No. Can I go see her?  
  
Jake: I guess so. She must be in her - [stares in shock as JANE runs up stairs straight past   
him. Shrugs and yells] *Daria*! Jane's here to see you!  
  
Helen [voice only; yelling]: Would you keep it down Jake? I'm *trying* to do some work here!  
  
Quinn [at the same time; voice only]: Da-ad! I'm *trying* to finish this stupid maths homework   
you and Mum made me do!  
  
[JAKE cringes and goes back to watching the television]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH: JANE is standing outside DARIA's room, she has the door half open and is listening   
to DARIA]  
  
Daria: By my side/My hand in yours [voice lowers to barely a whisper] Partner [voice breaks]   
Lover/Safe within your arms. [she looks up. VIEW: through DARIA's viewpoint. Jane is a red   
blur with black edging at the top. DARIA looks down and continues playing]Techno colours   
flashing/Cold and bitter a wind that blows/taking ripping cutting through my bones. [DARIA stops,   
wipes her eyes and picks up her glasses. She doesn't look up from the guitar however] It   
was suppose to be a surprise. [beat] For Trent. He's been trying to get lyrics to the tune so I   
- [shrugs]   
  
[JANE walks over and picks up the sheet to read. Her eyes widens as she finishes. She puts it   
down carefully.]  
  
Jane: I'm sorry Daria.   
  
[JANE closes the door and sits on the floor in front of DARIA]  
  
Daria [flat]: It doesn't matter. [beat] I was going to break up with him anyway.  
  
Jane: Yeah but you were going to do a Monique on him.  
  
Daria [flat but with a touch of bitterness]: Nothing like the original to beat a replacement.   
[beat; flat, no emotion] At least its definitely over now.   
  
Jane: But -  
  
[DARIA glares at her, hurt and dispair and anger in her eyes. JANE closes her mouth]  
  
Daria: It's over.   
  
Jane [nodding]: Bishonen anime males parading with a decidedly lack of upper apparel video night?  
  
Daria: Pizza, bishonens and jolt cola. [beat] And something I can practise gratuitous violence   
on.  
  
Jane: And I shall act the part of best friend with no connection at all to the unmentioned   
ex-boyfriend. [beat] Next time I try to play the yenta act on you, hit me.  
  
Daria: [V/O: (last chords of song she was singing previously, this time with full backup from   
Mystic Spiral: "uncaring idiocy/cynicism  
screwing hope and justice/dreams of a better tomorrow/Lover in shadows/Take my hand tomorrow/Lead   
me into eternal darkness/Take me from this living hell/Holder, guardian, trusted-saviour/The   
blade it gleams/The blade it sings/The blade it bleeds."] [deadpan] Next time you try and play   
the yenta act I'll practise gratuituous violence on *you*.  
  
[FADE: to black]  
  
[END ACT 2: SCENE 3]  
  



	9. Chapter Nine

[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: DARIA singing]  
  
[START ACT 2: SCENE 4]  
  
[SCENE: Daytime. Dega Street. DARIA and JANE are walking down. DARIA's face is utterly   
expressionless though her eyes are a trifle red. JANE looks worried]  
  
Jane: Shopping? *CLOTHES* shopping? [surprised/incredulous] As in the thing where we exchange our   
parent's hard earned green coloured paper for some form of material in a pre-determined shape?   
[beat] We're *really* here to shop?  
  
Daria: That's what I told the parental units.  
  
Jane: Yeah but - [pause] I thought you were lying. [beat] *Really* shopping?  
  
Daria: I needed to get jeans. Quinn is at Cashmans. Thus, we shop at the other side of town.   
[beat] Besides, I'm hoping for plain black jeans, no designer labels, no flower patches. No   
carefully ripped edges. Plain. Black. Jeans. [beat] With buttons.  
  
Jane: [amused] Well that might be a little hard. I mean, plain black jeans yes - but with   
*buttons*? [beat] Seriously - shopping?  
  
Daria [not turning around; flat]: Seriously.   
  
[DARIA continues walking. After a second, a startled JANE follows her. They both enter FASHION   
VICTIMS (store)]  
  
[TIME LAPSE: TRENT walking with JESSE down street. TRENT is wearing sunglasses. He doesn't look   
happy]  
  
Jesse: Woah. [stops] Fashion Victims is having a sale.  
  
Trent: So? [looks down street, bored]  
  
Jesse: I need a shirt. [beat; though TRENT doesn't notice, he can see JANE and DARIA in the   
store through the window. Walks into the store]  
  
[TRENT notices MONIQUE walking out of AXL'S PIERCINGS (store) and follows JESSE into Fashion   
Victims]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH: Inside Fashion Victims]  
  
[SCENE: Bins and racks filled with clothes, are arranged all around the floor space, the walls   
are filled with floor-to-ceiling shelves that have variously, shirts, jeans, belts and dresses   
stored or hanging in them. At the back are several changing rooms. 'Erotica' by Nelson is   
playing very loudly. JANE and DARIA are looking at the jeans (partially hidden by a rack). JANE   
turns around, notices JESSE and then TRENT. Her eyes widen]  
  
Jane: These ones. [grabs a pair of jeans (blue in colour) from the shelf] Try them. [begins   
shoving DARIA to the changing stall]  
  
[DARIA looks confused. JESSE noticing DARIA at the stall grabs a shirt from a bin]  
  
Jesse: Need to see if it fits. [drags TRENT who looks slightly surprised to the stall. TRENT   
does not notice JANE or DARIA]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH: Fashion Victims' changing rooms. Entrance is via a doorway (no door) and the   
stalls are in a hallway with a floor-to-ceiling mirror at the end. It is quiet, the floors buzz   
slightly in time to the bass of the music. There is nobody else there currently. DARIA is   
holding the jeans about to enter the stall. JANE is leaning nervously against the doorway]  
  
Daria: [staring at jeans] Blue? You suddenly colour blind or is this some sort of -  
  
[JESSE, pulling TRENT appears at the doorway of the changing rooms. JESSE trips over JANE's boot   
and falls, upsetting TRENT's balance who comes barrelling forward]  
  
Trent: Woah what the - [runs straight into a shocked DARIA]  
  
[Flash of light, bass beat intensifies slightly, and scene flashes white then back to normal]  
  
Daria: [whispered; expression on face is shocked] Daria. . .  
  
Trent: [whispered; pained voice, face is unemotional] Trent. . .  
  
[TRENT and DARIA spring apart]  
  
Trent: Damn it Jane! [turns as if to stalk off]  
  
Daria: [catching TRENT's arm as he turns] Daria! Listen it was all a mistake -  
  
Jane [to JESSE]: What the hell do you think you're doing?  
  
Jesse: Nothing.  
  
Jane: You knew they just broke up - you saw us coming back here - hell this is the female change   
rooms!  
  
Jesse [angry tone in voice]: Daria is good for Trent. The band falls apart when Trent starts   
dating and dumping Monique -  
  
Daria: We have to talk -!  
  
Trent: No we don't! Come on Jane - [shakes DARIA's hold from his arm and grabs JANE]  
  
Jane [glaring back - at both TRENT and DARIA who is standing beside the change stall, looking   
slightly bewildered]: And what about you? Since when do you let an idiot lead you around?   
  
Trent [deadpan]: Since I met you it seems.  
  
[JANE gets a confused look on her face]  
  
Daria [stepping up, catching TRENT's arm again]: I didn't mean to sleep with Monique - it just   
sort of -  
  
Jane [laughing nervously]: Of course you didn't sleep with Monique Daria - [beat] Okay. What *is*   
it with you two? Practising reverse couple therapy or something?  
  
[TRENT and DARIA finally look at each other, both jump back]  
  
Daria: Woah. . . [rubs eyes and in TRENT fashion] Shouldn't have drunk that red thing in the   
fridge after all. This nightmare is way weird.  
  
Trent: [attempt at humour, failing miserably, sounds scared] I knew I'd go insane sooner or   
later. [beat] No I didn't. What happened?  
  
[JANE and JESSE look confused]  
  
Jane [hesitantly]: Would the person who's name is 'Trent' please - say something.   
  
Daria: What do you want Janey?  
  
[JANE's eyes go wide]  
  
Jane: T-Trent? [staring at DARIA]  
  
Daria: What happened to us? [staring at TRENT] Hey. You look exactly like me.  
  
Trent: [flat voice] This is a hallucination.  
  
Jane [nervous]: Right. We're going back home *now* and then I'm going to call Wind and find out   
where he stashed his instant downers.  
  
[FADE TO BLACK]  
  
la la LA la la  
  
[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: green tint of DARIA and TRENT colliding]  
  
[SCENE: Lane living room]  
  
[SCENE: JANE is pacing while DARIA (body) is sprawled on the couch (in the position TRENT   
normally takes) with JESSE perched on the other side. TRENT is sitting, legs together, (DARIA   
position) awkward in the armchair staring at JANE]  
  
Jane: Hallucination. This has to be mass hallucination. [turns around and continues pacing]   
Except I haven't eaten anything today. Or yesterday. [stops pacing] Hypnosis - or maybe its   
[continues babbling and starts pacing again]  
  
Daria: Stop that Janey. It's making me dizzy. [beat and yawns] I need coffee.  
  
[JANE shudders]  
  
Jane: Would you stop that Daria?   
  
Trent [hadn't been listening till then; confused]: Stop what?  
  
[JANE shudders]  
  
Jesse: Hey, you're saying each others lines. [beat] Does this happen when you date too long?  
  
[JANE shudders again and runs out of the room]  
  
Jesse [blinking]: What'd I say?  
  
[JANE returns with a large cup of coffee she is gulping down. Looks up as she finishes then puts   
the cup down. Her hand is shaking]  
  
Jane: Nope. Caffeine doesn't help. [pause; JANE sits in other armchair] Okay. What the *HELL*   
is going on? Why are [looking at DARIA] *you* acting like *Trent* and you [looking at TRENT]   
acting like *Daria*?  
  
Trent and Daria (together): Because *I* *AM* - [realise they're talking in unison]  
  
Daria: - Trent.  
  
Trent: - Daria. [beat] What's going on?   
  
Jane: Either mass hallucinations, psychologically-based insanity, druged-induced behaviour or   
[beat] the two of you have swapped brains.  
  
Trent [deadpan]: Next on Sick Sad World.  
  
Jane [shuddering]: Don't *do* that!  
  
[JANE hangs head between hands, looking worried, scared and confused. TRENT looks worried and   
JESSE seems oblivious]  
  
[The phone rings. Almost absently, DARIA stands up and answers the phone]  
  
Daria: Hey.  
  
Helen [voice only]: Daria? Is that you?  
  
Daria: Oh hi Mrs. Morgendoffer.  
  
Helen [hurt tone in voice]: Oh Daria. . . Honey I know I haven't been paying enough attention   
- [switch to angry] it's just this courtcase and Eric switching from digital to manual *again*   
just because he's scared the extra/intranet might crash - [continues]  
  
[DARIA is staring at phone from which can be heard tiny noises (HELEN's voice). She places the   
phone back on ear just in time to hear the end of HELEN's speech]  
  
Helen (cont): - just come home for dinner okay? And then we can have a nice long talk about -  
  
Daria [hurriedly to cut off HELEN]: Ah - yeah. Whatever Mrs Morgendoffer. I'll tell Daria.   
[yawns, hangs up and returns to couch]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH: Morgendoffer kitchen. HELEN looks heart broken]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH: Lane living room]  
  
Trent: I'm in Trent's body and Trent's in mine. [beat] This is some sort of side-effect from   
going insane isn't it? Or maybe the long term effects of going to high school?  
  
Daria: High school aged. [shudders] You make enough coffee for another cup Janey?  
  
Jane: Yeah - in the kitchen. [DARIA leaves. JANE stares at TRENT] This is either a really bad   
hallucination -  
  
Trent: [dry] Brought on by bad pizza and the lingering effects of over-exposure to my family and loud   
music.  
  
Jane [shudders]: - or its real. In which case, what do we do?  
  
Trent: [V/O: "I'm in Trent's body. This is bad." [beat] "Trent doesn't go to high school any   
more. This is good." [beat] "What am I saying? I'm stuck in a guy's body!" [beat] "A guy's body   
I never even got to see properly. . . Oh god. Don't think about that."] If this is real then   
- and I cannot believe I am actually saying this - we want to act normal.   
  
Jane [snort of humour]: For us anyway.  
  
Trent: Seriously. The last thing I want is for people to *really* think I'm insane. Despite the   
comfortable lifestyle a white jacket with extra long sleeves might bring, I do enjoy scratching   
my own nose. So Trent has to continue - [V/O: "Sleeping? Eating? Sleeping more?"] doing what he   
always does.  
  
Jane: Sleeping. Eating. More sleeping. A little bit of music.  
  
Trent: [V/O: "Three out of four is close enough."] And I - I mean 'Daria' - has to finish high   
school. [V/O: "Subconscious? You're doing this as some form of vicarious revenge on Trent aren't   
you?" [beat] "You betcha."]  
  
Daria [returning with a cup of coffee in hand]: What?  
  
Jane: [shudders] Oh boy. This is *weird* - even for me. [beat; gets an evil look in eye] I'm   
going to be going to school with *Trent*. With Mr. D'Martino as our history teacher. [beat] I   
get to be an eye-*witness* instead of an eavesdropper/witness four classrooms down.   
  
Daria: H-high school? [goes pale]  
  
[DARIA drops the mug onto the floor where it shatters. TRENT has a Mona-Lisa smile]  
  
la la LA la la  
  
[END ACT 2: SCENE 3]  



	10. Chapter Ten

[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: Daria's expression]  
Commercial: (I couldn't resist this one so bear with me)  
Steel capped boots: $100  
  
Lawyer (per hour): $140  
  
Kicking Upchuck and ensuring the sanctity of the gene-pool?: Priceless  
  
For everything else there's Mastercard  
  
[START ACT 3: SCENE 1]  
  
[In background: Alannis Morrissette's 'All I really Want']  
  
[SCENE: Jane's Room. Pre-dawn. An alarm is shrilly ringing. JANE is a lump underneath blankets   
and pillows. An arm comes out and hits something on the side table. The alarm stops ringing.   
JANE rolls over and falls onto the floor with a thump. She sits up slowly, rubbing her head]  
  
Jane: Gotta get a futon. [yawns and stands up, still rubbing her head and walks out of the door]  
  
[SCENE: Lane kitchen. TRENT is at the stove, cooking something. JANE does not see him as she   
walks in and starts looking for the coffee. JANE finds the instant coffee and picks up a mug   
than walks slowly towards the kettle, accidentally walking into TRENT]  
  
Jane [not really looking or thinking]: Morning Trent - [beat. JANE looks up, wide eyed at TRENT]  
  
[ZOOM IN: TRENT is wearing a robe - obviously Jane's. It comes down to his knees - he's wearing   
the usual pants underneath it. He looks remarkably wide awake and his hair is combed.]  
  
Jane (continued): Oh god. It wasn't a nightmare. [swallows and puts the coffee canister and mug   
onto a counter] I don't think I need caffeine to stay awake now.  
  
Trent: [flushing, slightly less than deadpan] I made breakfast. [stares at the pan; we see it's   
some form of bacon or meat product in the pan] Well I think it's bacon. [beat] You have to make   
sure T - I mean Daria - gets to school. [beat pulls out a piece of paper from robe] And I   
re-wrote the writing assignment so O'Neil wouldn't run crying out of the classroom. [beat.   
Sniffs] And I have to take a shower. [beat] Jane?  
  
[JANE is staring at TRENT with wide-eyes]  
  
Trent (continued): Jane? [irritatedly] Jane!  
  
Jane [snickering]: Sorry. It's just I've never seen Trent this wide awake and aware - and   
together - this early in the morning.  
  
Trent: Unless practise ran late.  
  
Jane: Yeah unless - [trails off with a look of horror] Trent - I mean you have band practise   
today.  
  
Trent: I called Jesse. It's cancelled. Trent - I mean *I* - have a sore throat. [beat] And I'm   
hoping the hallucigines will wear off before I get over the sore throat. [beat] Cough. Cough.  
  
Jane [grin]: You look like Trent. You sound like Trent. But you're Daria all the way through.  
  
Trent: Don't you forget it. [beat] I still have to take a shower though. And towels. Where do   
you leave the towels?  
  
Jane [shrugging]: I usually do my own laundry. I don't know where Trent stashes his towels and   
[grins] other portions of apparrel. [bigger grin] I guess you're going to get your wish Daria.   
You get to *really* know Trent. In the biblical sense.  
  
Trent: [not really concentraint/mind is on other things] That would involve Trent and me actually   
having some sort of - [beat] That's just sick Jane Lane.  
  
Jane: [smirk]  
  
Trent: I will kill you. And since I'm in the body of your brother I'll never get caught.  
  
Jane: Except by the people with the long white coats.  
  
Trent: Death. Mayhem. Possibly murder. [beat] And I'll take all your bishonen anime video   
tapes with me.   
  
Jane: Eep. [grinning] I'll be good.  
  
Trent: And as much as I hate having to say this - if you really want to wake up my body - as in   
Daria's body - a cold shower does the trick. [flushes] Blindfold him first.  
  
Jane [saluting with a smirk]: Will do. [beat] Considering the 'definition' of 'biblical sense'   
does this mean you and Trent are particularly kinky in your approach to - [runs out of the house   
as continues] - 'sexual intimacy'?  
  
Trent: [shouting after JANE] One day Jane - *one* day! [V/O: (in Daria's voice) "Meanwhile.   
Toothbrush. Toothpaste." [beat] "You forgot the shower part. And the bits where you'll have to   
figure out how to use his. . . Um - parts." [beat] "I'll kill you too inner subconscious.   
Just see if I don't. You and your little dog - " [beat] "I'm talking to myself again - in movie   
quotes." [beat] "You're doing it again. And you do realise you're currently in somebody else's   
body and thus cannot kill your inner subconscious which one would assume has permanent housing in   
*your* brain and not Trent's body. [smirk] And allow me to remind you once more: a body you're   
going to have to *see* soon." [beat] "Damn subconscious."]  
  
[TRENT looks at food in pan, looks disgusted, turns off fire and walks reluctantly out of   
kitchen]  
  
[FADE TO:]  
  
[SCENE: Morgendoffer House; in the hallway outside Daria's room. HELEN is knocking on the door   
with an anxious JAKE beside her]  
  
Helen: - Daria? [looking to JAKE] It's never been this hard to wake her up before.  
  
Jake: We've never had to wake her up before. Daria's always up on time. [beat] You think it   
might be drugs? [panicky. Loud] Daria! Wake up! [hysterical] *Quinn* call 911 - Daria's   
overdosed on -  
  
[From downstairs, the sound of a doorbell and then the door opening. Meanwhile, QUINN appears in   
the hallway, looking less than happy with bed-hair]  
  
Quinn: What is it Daddy? [yawns]  
  
Helen: [at door] Daria? Honey I just want to talk to you - Daria? [kicks door]  
  
[In background, JANE appears at the foot of the stairs and runs quickly over]  
  
Jane: Morning Mrs Morgendoffer, Mr Morgendoffer - [smirks] Daria's sister.  
  
Quinn: [at being called 'Daria's sister'] Hey!   
  
Jake: [chirp/mood swing] Morning Jane!  
  
Quinn: [beat] Um - Jane? Why are you here? [beat, staring at HELEN and JAKE] Mum? Dad? Why are   
you all up? [beat, worried] If it's because of me breaking curfew last night it was because the -   
ah - maths study group I was with decided to get a late dinner since we broke up early and I   
didn't want to go to Pizza King since they're cheeseless pizzas are like - all greasy. And I   
told Tiffani - I mean Adrian that *that* like totally defeats the purpose of cheeseless pizza so   
we went to - [beat, frowns] Hey, I thought you and Dad had to get an early start this morning,   
Mum.  
  
Helen [slightly distracted]: We do - I just wanted to talk to Daria. She went straight to bed   
last night without dinner - but she [beat, notices JANE]. Oh morning Jane. [beat] What are you   
doing here?  
  
Jane: [light] Daria asked me to come over to make sure she got up early today. We want to finish   
our - [pause] comparitive literature homework at the labs at the school so we're going in early.   
[panicky] Why? Didn't she tell you?  
  
Helen: [suspicious] Why do you need to wake Daria up?  
  
Jane: Okay. You sprung us. Daria and I stayed up watching videos all last night and the night   
before. And then yesterday she broke her alarm clock. [V/O: "Memo to self: break Daria's alarm   
clock."] She didn't want to tell you since she thought she'd get into trouble.  
  
Quinn: I'd say! I mean Sandi nearly threw Stacy out of the Fashion Club when she *accidentally*   
scraped her nail and got like this huge gap in her nail polish. But then I told Sandi that -  
  
Helen: Quinn - [beat] is that a pimple?  
  
Quinn [horror]: What?! [runs off]  
  
[JANE smirks]  
  
Jane: Gee, Mrs. Morgendoffer. [beat] I didn't know you had it in you.   
  
Helen: [glancing worriedly at watch] Jake and I have to go. [beat; gleam in eye] Say Jane - you   
wouldn't -  
  
Jane: One question, thirty seconds maximum.  
  
Helen: One for me and one for Jake?  
  
Jane: [thoughtful] All right.  
  
Helen: Is Daria - um. . . Not feeling all right? [beat; quickly] It's just - yesterday she   
called *me* Mrs Morgendoffer and Jake Mr Morgendoffer and I'm almost sure that we haven't done   
anything lately that -  
  
Jane: She was probably just really tired. That's all. [beat] And she's been feeling out of   
sorts lately. Trent and her broke up on Friday you know.   
  
Helen: What?! Why?  
  
Jane: One question. One question only.  
  
Helen [to JAKE]: Ask her why they broke up Jake!  
  
Jake [oblivious]: Who broke up?  
  
Helen: [groan] Oh Jake.  
  
Jake: What? [glances at watch] Gee Helen! We're going to be late if we don't make a run for it   
now.  
  
Helen: [to JANE] He'll ask his question tonight.  
  
Jane: [V/O: "Memo to self: avoid Morgendoffer parental units for a couple of days."] [cheerfully]   
See ya!   
  
[JANE watches till HELEN and JAKE leave hallway, waits till she hears the front door slam before   
turning to door. She pulls out a thin wire from her pocket]  
  
Jane: Thank you Trent for teaching me how to pick locks. [kneels in front of door and begins   
prodding with the wire. There's a click] Ah! [opens door]  
  
[SCENE CHANGE TO:]  
  
[SCENE: Inside Daria's room. DARIA is lying, face flat on the bed, arms akimbo in a very   
Trent-esque position. She hasn't changed out of her normal skirt and jacket combination and is   
dead to the world]  
  
Jane: Shades of a narcoleptic sibling Batman! [beat] [V/O: "You're mis-quoting bad 60s sitcoms   
again." [beat] "So?"] [leans down so her mouth is next to DARIA's ear] Hey - Trent!  
  
Daria: Go away Janey.  
  
Jane: Come on Trent - you have to wake up -  
  
Daria: . . . [snore]  
  
[JANE looks annoyed]  
  
Jane: That's it.   
  
[JANE picks up one arm and literally drags DARIA off bed. DARIA hits floor]  
  
Daria: Hey - what was - that [yawn, half asleep looks up and blinks] Janey? [yawns, and curls up   
on the floor to continue sleeping]  
  
Jane: Oh for the love of - [begins dragging DARIA into the bathroom]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH TO:]  
  
[SCENE: Bathroom. A surprised QUINN who, seconds before, was carefully checking her face for   
pimples, stares in shock at DARIA and JANE]  
  
Quinn: Oooookay. [beat] This is some sort of weird brain ritual isn't it?  
  
Jane: [annoyed, aside] Yeah. Sort of like ritual female circumcision only - less permanent.  
  
Quinn: Eeeew! [beat] No seriously - what are you two doing?! [beat] It's not because you're like.   
. . [whispered] *You* know.  
  
Jane: [annoyed] Yeah we are. Whatever it is we're suppose to be - we are. Now would you please   
help me undress her?! [pulling off DARIA's jacket]  
  
Quinn: *Eeeeeew*!!!! [runs out of bathroom]  
  
[JANE stares after her for several seconds then turns back to pulling off DARIA's clothes. DARIA   
ignores her, still sleeping on tiled floor]  
  
Jane: How the hell do you do that? When I told Daria that you could sleep through a hurricane I   
didn't actually *mean* that you could seriously - [sigh] Well, Daria *did* say cold water shower.   
[evil grin]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH TO:]  
  
[SCENE: Quinn's room. QUINN is standing in front of her open wardrobe]  
  
Jane [voice only]: Right. Which one is the cold water tap.   
  
[QUINN pulls out a blue fitted t-shirt and looks at herself in the mirror]  
  
Jane [voice only]: Ah. This one.   
  
[QUINN puts the blue fitted t-shirt back in and takes out a green blouse]  
  
Jane [voice only]: In you go.  
  
[There's a large thumping noise as if somebody's been just shoved into a shower stall. QUINN   
pulls out white skorts and puts the green blouse back in]  
  
Jane [voice only]: [snicker] Right. Here goes.  
  
[QUINN pulls out a familiar pink shirt with a smiley face and holds it up to her chest in front   
of the mirror]  
  
Daria [voice only]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!  
  
[QUINN drops the shirt and then picks it up again]  
  
Quinn: Daria! Keep it down!  
  
[SCENE SWITCH TO:]  
  
[SCENE: Bathroom. DARIA - from shoulders up - is staring in horror at JANE while shivering. In   
the background, JANE is standing with a smirk on her face]  
  
Daria [still shivering]: J-J-J-Janey -? Why are you so t-t-tall all of a s-s-s-sudden - [looks   
down below camera level]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH TO:]  
  
[SCENE: Quinn's room. QUINN has a pair of blue jeans in her hand and a blue skirt in the other]  
  
Quinn: Hmm. . . What do I want to say? Energetic and cute? Or Perky and cute?   
  
Daria [voice only]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!  
  
[QUINN drops the skirt]  
  
Quinn: [annoyed] DARIA! [storms out of the bedroom]  
  
[Fade to black]  
  
[END ACT 3: SCENE 1]  
  
  



	11. Chapter Eleven

[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: Quinn holding the skirt and jeans in front of her]  
  
[START ACT 3: SCENE 2]  
  
[SCENE: Lawndale High]  
  
[SCENE: JANE and DARIA are walking down a deserted hallway. It's obvious nobody's there yet   
other than several janitors and teachers]  
  
Jane: The only class we don't have together is - [checks a sheet of paper] Halton's advanced   
maths and Yin's information processing and management. [beat, pulls out a crumpled piece of   
paper from pocket] And this is your comparitive literature piece. [turns and realised that DARIA   
is leaning against her locker fast asleep] Oh for the love of - [hits DARIA with the sheet of   
paper. DARIA ignores her. JANE grins and leans in close before speaking. Loud] Oh no! The   
cops!  
  
[DARIA jerks upright, wide awake]  
  
Daria: I swear officer I didn't know I was - [blinks. Glares at JANE] That wasn't nice Janey.  
  
Jane: Always wanted to know if that'd work. [beat. Serious tone] Just concentrate -   
[emphasises] *Daria*. [hands sheet of paper to DARIA] Your comparitive literature homework. And   
I know Daria finished the maths and IT work during her study hall so it should be in her locker.   
  
Daria [horror]: Advanced maths?  
  
Jane: Yeah. I tried to warn her. [beat. Evil grin] Just think of it as your opportunity to   
learn something new [emphasises] Daria.  
  
Daria: How about music? [looks at paper in JANE's hand] Does Da - I mean do I do any music?  
  
Jane [arched eyebrow]: Music - *Daria*? [dry] Who are you and what have you done with Daria?  
  
[Neither notice CHARLES RUTHEMIER THE THIRD (high school student/known as UPCHUCK) walking down   
other side of corridor]  
  
Daria [grin]: I stole her body and replaced it with my brain. I'm really Trent your older   
brother.  
  
Jane [playing along]: Ah yes. But what made you choose *her* body in particular - I mean. Just   
imagine, as a young man with the ability to swap bodies, you could have ended up in - [obviously   
pulling name out of thin air] Quinn Morgendoffer. . . No - BRITANNY TAILOR's body!  
  
[UPCHUCK's eyes are wide in shock and then lust]  
  
Daria: Nah - I like this body fine. Athlethic, smooth, nice suspension and a really -  
  
Jane [wincing]: Right. Don't say anymore. I don't want to know anymore Trent. [winces] Oh god   
- I need to wash out my brain.  
  
Daria: [smirks]  
  
[UPCHUCK continues walking but has a strange look in his eyes]  
  
Jane: Come on. I think I can remember Daria's login name and password. [drags DARIA off]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH TO:]  
  
[SCENE: D'MARTINO's class, later in day]  
  
[SCENE: D'MARTINO is standing at the front writing some notes on blackboard. The class is bored   
and most are flipping through magazines, talking or listening to music on their walkmans. In   
front row, JANE is staring at DARIA in horror, JODIE is also staring at DARIA but with a grin.   
DARIA is slowly nodding off, slumped over table in a Trent-esque fashion that is totally unlike   
her]  
  
D'Martino [turning around]: - and so, in an effort to compensate for the continual losses to the   
provincial American colonies, the British Empire turned to - [beat] Kevin!  
  
Kevin [startled]: The world series?  
  
D'Martino: [sigh] BRITANNY?  
  
Britanny: Um. . . New Zealand?  
  
D'Martino: Close but NO CIGAR MS TAYLOR. [sigh] Daria?  
  
DARIA: [jumping in seat, startled into the land of the waking] Um - New Orleans?  
  
[D'MARTINO stares at her as the rest of the class suddenly grows silent]  
  
D'Martino: N-n-no. [takes a breath while still staring at DARIA. Turns back to the rest of the   
class] The British Empire turned their colonisation skills to the newly rediscovered continent   
of Australia.   
  
[FADE TO:]  
  
[SCENE: Barch's science class]  
  
[SCENE: BARCH is lecturing in front of a large, intricate board filled with zeroes and xs. KEVIN   
is sitting at the front, wide awake, taking notes frantically. However, he is the only person,   
most of the people in the class are falling asleep, JANE and DARIA among them. BARCH suddenly   
slams her hand on desk]   
  
Daria [startled out of sleep]: - underage officer? I swear I thought sixteen was the age of   
consent -! [wakes up, blinks and flushes]  
  
Jane [closing eyes, leaning head on hand]: Trent when Daria gets her hands on you. . .  
  
[CLASS is laughing while BARCH looks shocked]  
  
[FADE TO:]  
  
[SCENE: O'Neil's Comparitive English class. DARIA is sitting down at desk, yawning]  
  
Daria: I don't know how she does it - all those letters. So little time.  
  
Jane [sympathethic]: Advanced algebraic formulations?  
  
Daria: COBOL. [shudders. Digs into pocket and pulls out a much crumpled sheet of paper]   
Comparitive literature?  
  
Jane: Not having you to send Mr. O'Neil into tears is going to cut into our pizza time. [sighs]   
Jodie and I just can't do the same as quickly.   
  
Daria: Crying? [shrugs and sits down].  
  
[MS. LI (principal/egomaniac/tyrant of Lawndale High) meanwhile has appeared in doorway with a   
pile of papers and an impatient look]  
  
Ms. Li: Attention young people! Mr. O'Neil is taking a leave of convolences as accorded to him by   
the [muttering] stupid slacker-based [louder] Teacher's Union contract. Due to budget cuts, a   
substitute with agreeable qualifications could not be found for this period. Mr. O'Neil will   
return by the end of this term to receive your final assessment pieces which you shall receive   
today with your new shedules. For the remainder of this term, you shall be reassigned to new   
classes. [beat] For those of you who are using this class as your English requirement, your   
shedule has been rearranged so that you will be in an earlier class. For those of you who have   
no current study-hall class, you have been assigned to Ms Delonga's study hall. For those of you   
who are taking this subject as an elective and already have a study hall, you have been   
reassigned to classes within this block. [beat. Looks down at first paper] J. [pronouncing it   
'JAY'] White -  
  
Jamie: That's *JAMIE* - honestly is it so hard for people to *remember*?!   
  
[MS. LI continues reading out names and handing out slips of paper]  
  
[FADE TO:]  
  
[SCENE: same place, couple of minutes later. DARIA and JANE both have new shedules in front of   
them]  
  
Jane: Cool. I've got English when I have art, and art now. And since I've already finished the   
end of year project I can head home early. [grins and turns to DARIA] What about you?  
  
Daria: Cool. [beat] Music appreciation.  
  
Jane [eyes wide]: And that was something I thought I'd never hear from Daria Morgendoffer before.   
[grins] I guess there was a reason for [realises she's surrounded by other students within   
hearing distance] what happened to happen hey, Daria.  
  
Daria: [looking at shedule] I'll show Nick I can pass. [stands up and walks out of classroom   
leaving JANE stunned]  
  
Jodie [walking up to stand next to JANE's table]: Something's different about Daria. She's been   
acting strange all day.  
  
Jane: You wouldn't know the half of it. [beat, realises that JODIE is staring at her   
inquisitationally] Trent and Daria broke up on the weekend. [changes subject quickly] So what   
are you doing instead of driving Mr. O'Neil to a nervous breakdown?  
  
Jodie: My music appreciation class got swapped down so I could do English in the third block.   
[shrugs] I hope they've got better singers in seventh block.  
  
[ZOOM IN: JANE's eyes are wide in horror]  
  
[FADE TO:]  
  
[SCENE: Later same day. Mr. JACOB's (Music teacher/old, tall, thin man with gray hair growing in   
a Friar Tuck circle around his bald palate) Music Appreciation class]  
  
[SCENE: The room is made of brick, large with a circle made up of normal tables. Keyboards and a   
sound system are set up on the outside of the circle and a drum kit and microphones have been set   
up in the center of the circle. Several students are seated on the top of the tables. There are   
more in the center at the microphones and more at keyboards and piano and one enthusiastically   
tapping at the drum kit]  
  
Jacob: Right. With Ms Li having the guitars restrung, we'll have to use the instrumental version   
today okay? [chorus of replies] We'll start with Greenday's Time of Your Life. [nods to male   
student at sound system] One, two - three -  
  
[STUDENTS at the keyboard start playing a simple chord combination while in the background the   
instrumental version is playing. Girl at the drum kit is hammering away happily, occasionally   
loosing the beat. JODIE walks in, wincing as a student at the keyboard plays a sour chord, and   
the singers start singing. However, one voice rises above the rest, noticeably more in tune,   
stronger and much more confident. JODIE frowns, not recognising voice and pokes head through   
circle of students sitting on table to get a better view. Her eyes' widen]  
  
[DARIA has her closed, and is holding microphone close in Trent-esque gesture when he's on stage.   
As she sings, the other students grow silent - mostly in shock that DARIA MORGENDOFFER is   
singing. DARIA is singing low, the way TRENT normally does, however, because of her own vocal   
capacity, the words come out husky, reminiscent of a 30s glamour star (the sort that use to lie   
flat on a grand piano to sing). In background UPCHUCK - who is also in front of a mike - is   
staring in shock and lust]  
  
Daria: Time grabs you by the wrist//directs you where to go//So make the best of this test//and   
don't [last of singing students stop, everybody is staring at DARIA who still has eyes closed and   
doesn't notice] ask why//It's not a question//but a lesson learned in time//It's something   
unpredicatable//but in the end it's right//I hope you had the time of your life. [breaks and   
opens eyes as guitar solo plays over system. Realises she's being stared at and looks confused.   
Guitar solo ends and DARIA starts singing again, this time without closing eyes or leaning   
forward, it's obvious she's awkward with the staring circle of shocked eyes and that she's   
remembered that she's currently in DARIA's body and not her own] So take the photographs//and   
still-frames in your mind//Hang it on a shelf//of good health and good time.  
  
[UPCHUCK suddenly wiggles through the circle of students at the microphones and steps in front of   
DARIA. He's actually sharing microphone with DARIA as he joins in. His voice is a tenor and   
slightly warbly, but he can hold a tune]  
  
Upchuck: Tattoos of memories//and dead skin on trial.  
  
Daria [shrinking back from Upchuck slightly but still singing]: For what it's worth//it was worth   
all the while  
  
Upchuck and Daria (together): It's something unpredicatable//but in the end it's right  
  
Upchuck (yelling rather than singing): I hope you had the time of your life! [growls in   
trade-mark Upchuck way into microphone]  
  
[There's a squeal of feedback static that has everybody wincing]  
  
[JODIE runs to DARIA and grabs her hands. The rest of the students and JACOB's are still staring   
at DARIA in shock]  
  
Jodie: Daria! I never knew you could sing so well!  
  
Daria [still awkward and fully aware that the students and JACOB's are staring at her]: Janey   
usually says I can't. [undertone] Music appreciation has changed since - [cuts off. Beat] Why   
is everybody staring at me?  
  
[FADE TO BLACK]  
  
[SCENE: Lane House - Bathroom. TRENT is cautiously stepping out of the shower, his eyes are   
close, the camera view is above waist. His hair is wet]  
  
Trent: [V/O: (DARIA's voice) "Just one little peak?" [beat] "No. No way. Uh uh. No way in   
*hell*." [beat] [cajoling] "Come on. . . You know you want to." [beat] [flat] "You are an   
example of what happens when I spend too much time within Jane's influence." [beat] "Oh come on   
- stop kidding yourself. You're curious and nobody will ever need to -"]  
  
Jane: My my. What do we have here?  
  
[TRENT promptly opens his eyes, looks around wildly for JANE (avoiding the small mirror above the   
sink) and trips over the bath mat]  
  
Trent: Ow. [looks up as a towel lands on his head] Hey! [Pulls towel off face]  
  
[JANE is standing facing the door of the bathroom so she can't see him]  
  
Jane: Make yourself presentable [carolling] brother dear. And I shall tell you tales of such   
*magnitude*! Let me share with thee the secret of how to utterly shatter long-standing   
reputations. [grins]  
  
Trent [standing up and wrapping towel around waist - with eyes closed]: My reputation as a brain   
or my reputation as an alien creature from Mars here to observe the shallow and brain-*dead*?  
  
Jane: Both I think. [grinning as she turned around and notices TRENT has his eyes closed] You do   
realise that you're going to have to look at yourself *sometime*.  
  
Trent: [grimly] Not if I can help it Lane. Now help me find something clean to wear.   
  
Jane: [surprised] Clean? [beat] You mean - as in washed? [beat] As in *Trent*'s laundry.  
  
Trent: [groaning] Oh god. [beat] Fine. Find me something else to wear other than this towel and   
then you can help me do his laundry. [beat] And when this is over, I will personally run a   
magnet over all of your bishonen anime videos if you *ever* mention this. *Ever*.  
  
Jane [grinning]: Ah. More blackmail material.  
  
Trent: Shut up or I'll flash you.  
  
Jane [shuddering. Meekly]: Yes Daria.  
  
[END ACT 3: SCENE 2]  
  
[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: Daria serenading the microphone with Upchuck]  
  
[END PART 1 of 'Dating the Musician]   
  



	12. Author's Note (Please Read First)

Author's Notes:

Hey all.  I figured everybody who has kindly reviewed and waited this past (let's-not-mention-how-long-just-so-we-can-all-sleep-tonight-okay? ^_^) months for an update deserved an explanation for the lag.  Or at least an apology.  

So this is it! 

Now firstly - and probably most importantly:

Thank you to all of you who have reviewed.  It might not have seemed that way, but when you review, a fanfic writer goes back to their story and keeps on typing.  Or to put it much more eloquently (and ripping off JM Barrie): every time you review, a fanfic writer gets kicked.  So please, keep on reviewing, it won't stop me from finishing the story, but it might force me to move a little faster.  ~grins~ 

Now, secondly:

The reason why Dating the Musician has been on hiatus - and also, the reason why there's an Author's Note where 'Act 2' previously was.

Basically, after I finished Part 2: Act 1: Scene 3 I realised that there were some characterisation problems.  Characterisation problems you say? ~gasp~ As if Trent in Daria's body and Daria in Trent's body isn't about as far out of character as you can get and still keep them recognisable.  

  
But yes - the speed of the story's movement had created situations that the two characters would simply never have allowed themselves to fall into - well, at least not that soon and not without a little bit more arse-prodding along the way.

Besides, there were some nice opportunities for gender jokes that I completely missed out on.  ~grins~

In any case - this meant that I had to start rewriting practically all of Part 2.  And not wanting to end up with howling readers (or worse, no readers at all) I decided to write until I had fixed the time gap.  Well, more or less.  Argh - okay, I didn't quite reach where I wanted to, but that would have meant another few weeks.

So - here it is.  Enjoy, review and tell me what you think - and if you want me to reply to your comments, just add that you do at the bottom of your review and I'll address it in my next author's notes.

Till next time 

S 


	13. Part Two - Chapter Twelve

[START PART 2 of 'Dating the Musician]

[Part 2: Act 1]

[ACT 1: SCENE 1]

[START SCENE 1]

[SUPER at bottom of screen in white]

[SUPER: **12th February, Senior Year - Morning**]

[SCENE: TRENT's bedroom]

[CAMERA OVERHEAD SHOT OF: TRENT lying on bed, sleeping.  Sunlight is streaming through the windows.  CAMERA PANS DOWNWARDS in a circular pattern.  SHOT OF: electronic clock radio (half buried underneath a pile of clothes; half of face is hidden by underwear).  It is currently 10:30 in the morning.]

[S/F: Birds singing outside; lawn mower, cars]

[CAMERA SWITCH TO: TRENT - shoulders' up.  TRENT's eyes open wide]

[TRENT's hand appears as it cautiously touches his face.]

Trent: [DARIA's V/O: "Okay - still hallucinating that I'm in my ex-boyfriend's body." (beat) "And talking to myself obviously."] 

[TRENT closes eyes; sighs]

Trent: [Dario's V/O: "Somebody up there hates me."]

[TRENT's eyes open wide suddenly]

[CAMERA ZOOMS BACK: Trent's entire body, overshot view.  Blanket covers TRENT waist down.  Cautiously, TRENT's hand goes underneath the blanket.  CAMERA ZOOM TO: TRENT's face; eyes go VERY wide]

Trent: [DARIA's V/O: (shocked) "It moves by itself!"] 

[CUT TO: overshot view of TRENT - hand jerking out of coverlet.  CUT TO: shot of red-faced TRENT's face]

Trent: [DARIA 's V/O: "Correction - they're just laughing really hard at the moment." (beat) "Good thing I'm an atheist."  (beat) "You going to do anything about - *that*?"  (long pause) "Shut up." (beat) "Cold shower today - well, at least that's only one tap to figure out." (beat) "Argh!"]

[END ACT 1: Scene 1]


	14. Chapter Thirteen

[ACT 1: SCENE 2]

[START SCENE 2]

[SUPER at bottom left hand corner screen]

[SUPER: **Four hours later**]

[SCENE: LANE household, TRENT's bedroom.  TRENT and JANE are sitting on the bed, TRENT is wearing a pair of faded shorts so threadbare they're almost transparent.  There is a pile of clothes between TRENT and JANE.  TRENT is folding a shirt.  JANE is staring at a white pair of pants in her hand.  ]

Jane: I can't believe it.

Trent [not looking up]: Yes, Veronica, there is a Santa Claus - [beat] more importantly, there's nothing growing in Trent's cupboard.  

[CAMERA PAN TO: the floor of TRENT's bedroom - now empty of the piles of clothes and random junk.  The carpet is a fuzzy grey colour.  The door of the cupboard is open showing that it is completely empty except for a dangling hanger]

[CUT TO: TRENT still sitting on bed]

Trent: I can't believe I was so bored I cleaned up his bedroom.  [beat] No wait.  Yes I can.  [sighs] I have no life - it's official.

Jane [V/O]: Only you, Daria, would switch bodies with my brother and claim you had no life.  

[CAMERA PANS: JANE and TRENT.  JANE is still looking at the white pair of pants she's holding]

Jane: I'm really hoping that Trent had a pair of white jeans before we did his laundry - because if not.  [beat; drops the jeans] Eeeewwwww. 

Trent [deadpan]: Chameleon clothes - next on Sick Sad World

Jane [thoughtful]: I prefer 'Tales from the wardrobe: turn my white jeans black' myself.

Trent: [glancing down at body] Please don't say that when I'm in the body of your brother.  [shudders.  Beat; TRENT continues folding clothes] What time did you say Trent was turning up?

Jane: I'm assuming he'll head back here after his last class.

[S/X: quacking]

Trent: Don't tell me we missed Trent's pet duck when we cleaned up the mess.  [beat; semi-alarmed] We didn't did we? 

Jane: [grins] Yes.  Didn't you notice Chibi-duckman? Trent raised him from an egg.  [beat; at TRENT's expression] The phone Daria.  That thing you pick up and say 'Roadkill Café, you kill 'em we grill 'em!' into? 

[Both turn to stare at TRENT's duck phone.]

Trent: I thought Trent had really bad taste in paperweights.

Jane: The wire running from its butt didn't clue you in at all?

Trent: Duck anatomy not being a major concern of the average girl in a boy's body - no.  [beat]

[S/X: quacking continues]

[TRENT picks up the duck around the neck, fumbling slightly]

Trent: Yes?

Nic [V/O] [Tiny; through telephone speaker]: Yo Trent.

Trent: Yo? [obvious that DARIA doesn't recognise NIC's voice on the telephone]

Nic [V/O] [Tiny] [suspicious]: You don't sound like you got a cough.

Trent: Um [coughs] I do.  [coughs]

[CUT TO: JANE arching an eyebrow]

[PAN OVER: TRENT holding telephone]

Nic [V/O] [Tiny]: Whatever.  Look don't forget we've got practise tomorrow morning for the gig at Joseph's next week.  He's offering twice what McGrundy does.  Our only competition is that boy-band cover 'Unsynched'.  We're in if we get the sound perfect -

Trent: [alarmed; eyes wide] [coughs] I've got a cough -

Nic [V/O] [Tiny]: Yeah - you've sung with bronchitis before -

Trent: [desperate] And I sprained my wrist -

Nic [V/O] [Tiny]: Jesse can switch to main guitar -

Trent: [really alarmed now] And -

Nic [V/O] [Tiny]: If Joseph's hires us, we'll be pulling in at least a hundred bucks a night.  [beat] So wake up on time to let us into the garage tomorrow. 

[S/X: dial tone]

[TRENT drops phone]

[CAMERA ZOOM IN: TRENT's eyes wide]

Trent: .  .  .

[END ACT 1: SCENE 2]


	15. Chapter Fourteen

[ACT 1: SCENE 3]

[START SCENE 3]

[SCENE: Music Room. The end of the day. Several students are packing up the guitars and amps, others are setting up more mikes and moving the tables from the horse shoe circle around the centre of the room and stacking them up against the walls.]  
  
[DARIA (TRENT in DARIA's body) is picking up her bag slowly. She is slouched in a Trent-esque pose, her movements are slow, almost languid. In TRENT it seemed half asleep. In DARIA it gives her motions a gracefulness reminiscent of a ballet dancer. Behind her CHARLES RUTHEMEIR (known as UPCHUCK) slowly slots the feed for the mike into a nearby amp and straightens, a strange expression in his eyes. He suddenly walks over to DARIA. A girl carrying a clipboard and wearing wireless headphones is behind UPCHUCK. She is slowly making her way around the room, testing the sound readings for each of the microphones set up.]  
  
Upchuck: [pitching his voice low] Rrrr. I love a woman who can sing.  
  
[DARIA jumps slightly and turns, straightening, one hand on her bag]  
  
Daria: [one eyebrow lifted] Uh - huh. [beat] That's your - um. Prerogative man. [turns to go]  
  
Upchuck [looking surprised]: Um. [obviously at a loss for what to say] We sang really well together. [beat] I mean - [voice lowers again] Want to go back to my pad? [growls] I'll show you my [suggestive lift in voice] lyrics.

  
Daria: [both eyebrows up] That's pathetic man. [beat] I mean - nobody uses those lines any more. Where do you get them from? Watching movies from the eighties or something? 

  
Upchuck [surprised] Wh-what? [A flush creeps up his face - this clashes something dreadful with his hair colour]   
  
Daria: [laughs] I mean - the last time I saw somebody use that line must have been back when I was in - [pauses, eyes widens slightly. It's obvious that TRENT has realised whose body he's in. DARIA coughs] You don't really think you're going to score with lines like that are you?  
  
Upchuck [face red]: . . . [swallows] I've scored plenty of times before! [voice squeaks on last word]  
  
Daria [lifting one eyebrow]: [dry] Whatever. [turns to leave]  
  
[UPCHUCK looks relieved - obvious that he's never had such a long conversation with a woman he's trying to pick up]  
  
[CAMERA PANS TO: Girl performing sound checks. She flips the switch of the microphone UPCHUCK was plugging in and winces. The feedback squeal is audible through the headphones]  
  
Girl: [angrily as she rips off headphones] CHARLES!  
  
Upchuck: Eeep! [turns hastily]  
  
[DARIA watches this and smiles briefly before hoisting her bag over one shoulder and turning to leave.]  
  
[CAMERA PANS TO: MR. JACOB (Music Teacher) and JODIE talking. MR. JACOB nods briefly and walks off screen]  
  
[CAMERA PANS TO: DARIA looking up to find MR. JACOB standing in front of her]  
  
Daria: Mr. Jacob?  
  
Jacob: Daria - have you ever considered joining band?  
  
Daria [wincing]: I don't play band instruments. Don't ask me why - I just don't. [grimaces]  
  
Jacob [looks briefly surprised before continuing]: No. I mean performing band. Lawndale High is working with the Lawndale Drama Troup during Easter Break. The performing band will be providing the music as well as some of the singing. [winces] They haven't found a lead female singer as yet. [CAMERA PANS TO: UPCHUCK and the girl with the headphones - UPCHUCK is cringing as the girl hits him with her clipboard, shouting at him] We do have a backup but I'd rather not - use that alternative.  
  
Daria [Mona Lisa smile, eyebrow half raised]: Wanna-be boy's voice hasn't broken yet?  
  
Jacob: [laughs in surprise before straightening his face] You have the right range. And you obviously can sing. [beat; thoughtful tone] We'd have to work a bit with the expression coming through in your singing but - other than that I think you'd be perfect. [beat] Are you interested?  
  
Daria: [mild interest] Su - [pause; obvious TRENT has realised once more that he's in DARIA's body. In a more guarded tone] Can I think about it?  
  
Jacob [looking disappointed]: Sure. Why don't you tell me tomorrow during our next class?  
  
Daria: Yeah. [walks out]  
  
[JACOB turns back to JODIE]  
  
Jacob: She's thinking about it. [sighs] We might have to use Charles. God help us. [in background, sounds of UPCHUCK being told off by girl]  
  
Jodie [looking surprised]: Daria actually said she'd THINK about it? [shocked] I don't think [beat] She's been acting strange all day. . . [beat] Huh. Think about it. . . [wanders off]  
  
Jacob: [V/O: "I think I understand why O'Neil has to take so many personal-health holidays. .   
."]  
  
[SCENE SWITCH TO: Outside Lawndale High]

[SCENE: Students slowly leaving, this is the last of the last group to leave the school.  DARIA is just leaving, bag over shoulder.  Behind her, JODIE is standing on the steps of the school, watching her, frowning.  JANE enters stage right, obviously having run all the way.]

Jane:  Tre - [cut off] Daria!

[DARIA continues walking.]

[CAMERA SWITCH: DARIA walking, JANE appearing, falling into step]

Jane: [hushed voice] Trent.

[DARIA jerks - blinks, looks sleepy as she stares at JANE]

Jane: We've got a problem.  [beat] A Spiral problem.  [off DARIA's blank look] Nic's called a rehearsal.  [DARIA still looks uncharacteristically blank] Trent will have to sing.  

Daria: Cool.  [beat] Don't worry Janey - rehearsals don't go for more than a couple of hours.  The noise won't be that bad - you can hang at Daria's house till it's - [beat] over.  [pause]  [eyes widen] 

[CAMERA ZOOM IN TO: DARIA's eyes widening]

Jane: Uh huh.  You're sleeping over tonight, *Daria*.  We have to teach *Trent* how to sing Spiral lyrics - or you two are going to be on Sick Sad World by tomorrow night.

[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: TRENT's face; JANE running; DARIA's blank look]

[END ACT 1: SCENE 3]

[END ACT 1]

  



	16. Chapter Fifteen

[Part 2: Act 2]

[ACT 2: SCENE 1]

[START SCENE 1]

[SCENE: LANE garage.  One dangling light bulb overhead.  Speakers in corner, drum kit, keyboard, several guitars.  Shelves filled with cobwebs and unknown shapes line three walls, with the fourth being the door of the garage.  There are several beanbags scattered around on the dusty floor.  A small scared table is pushed up against the wall, filled with old pizza boxes, beer cans and electronic fix-it gear.  It's obvious this garage hasn't seen the outside of a car in a very long time.]

Daria [exasperated]: It's 'expressed' not 'depressed'.

[CAMERA PAN TO: DARIA sprawled on a beanbag in front of a very self-conscious TRENT standing in front of a microphone]

Daria: And you *sing* to the microphone, not rub against it.  [note: DARIA (as TRENT) sounds extremely irritated, totally out of character for TRENT and slightly more irritated than normal for DARIA]

Trent [irritated]: These lyrics -

Daria: [calmly, husked] Don't _listen_ to what they sound like it.  _Listen _to the words.  

Trent: [irritated] So I'm supposed to listen but not listen at the same time? 

Daria: [interrupting]: Come on Daria - you're the smartest teenager I know.  And the coolest -

Trent: [eyes narrowing] Shut.  Up.  [beat]

[There's silence in the garage, both DARIA and JANE stare at TRENT in mild shock at the anger.]

Jane: Um.  

[Note: DARIA (as TRENT) sounds and looks more wired than normal for DARIA - a little reminiscent of JAKE MORGENDOFFER in coffee mode - and is far more wide awake than normal for TRENT, also sounds a trifle stressed]

[Silence stretches]

Trent: [clears throat; uncertainly] So we scream and scream and screaming - we -

Daria: [interrupting] No! [JANE turn to look at him, eyes wide at this out-of-character outburst; TRENT merely glares, irritated and impatient]

Trent: This is *impossible*.  I am *not* a singer.

Daria [ignoring TRENT]: There's more to this than just lyrics Daria!

Trent: [eyes narrowed] Uh huh.

[DARIA, still angry, stands up, grabs the microphone from TRENT.  There is a feedback squeal - the over-extended microphone picks up the sound of wind as DARIA whirls it around so it's pointed at her mouth]

Daria: There's got to be *_feeling_* behind the words - or what's the use? 

Trent: [dry] Money?

Daria: Like *_this_*: [singing] So we _scream_ -  ['scream' is actually screamed - DARIA still not used to the body's vocal capabilities actually hits a higher note than TRENT is capable of - the scream echoes in the garage.  DARIA however, doesn't actually notice, just keeps going.] 

[TRENT's and JANE's eyes go wide]

Trent: [DARIA's V/O: "Who would have thought them vocal chords could do more than talk."  [beat] "Well, biologists for one.  Trent for another - now."]

Daria: [lowered] And scream and screaming - we find - [beat; whispered] - silence -

[CAMERA SWITCH TO: side of garage door.  It's open, with JESSE, MAX and NIC standing there, watching DARIA singing into the microphone]

Daria [V/O]: [singing] And the words that haunt me; the words that return; over and over and over and over till my head wants to shatter [beat] and I can't feel and I can't see and I can't hear -

[CAMERA PAN TO: JANE turning as she notices MAX, JESSE and NIC watching DARIA]

Jane: [V/O: "Crap."] 

[TRENT seeing MAX, JESSE and NIC]

Trent: [Daria's V/O: "What? No smart comment?" [pause] "Too busy trying not to loose composure."  [beat]  "Thinking.  Leave message at tone."  [beat] "Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep."]

[CAMERA SWITCH TO: DARIA, literally leaning into the microphone, typical TRENT pose]

Daria: Cannot be uttered - cannot be expressed.  Just a malcontent [switches from singing to chanting/shouting] [beat] and anger [beat] a dissatisfaction [beat] with the world at large.  Rebel without a cause [beat] cause without a catch phrase - [long pause, DARIA freezes in the pose, bent over microphone, eyes shut] [whispered] The world's a louse - and we're the fleas.

Jane: Daria - what are we going to do? [beat] Daria? [turns to TRENT]

[TRENT is staring at DARIA.]

[CAMERA ZOOM IN: TRENT's eyes - narrowed]

Trent: [DARIA's V/O: "Light bulb."] 

[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: TRENT singing awkwardly; DARIA yelling; TRENT with narrowed eyes; DARIA leaning over microphone frozen in a pose]

[END SCENE 1]


	17. Chapter Sixteen

[ACT 2: SCENE 2]

[START SCENE 2]

[SCENE: the garage, seconds after the end of SCENE 2.  TRENT and JANE are standing near the 'stage', staring in shock at MAX, NIC and JESSE who are staring at DARIA.  DARIA is standing on stage, still frozen in the pose]

[CAMERA PAN TO: DARIA, releasing the microphone - it twirls once before clattering to the ground.  DARIA straightens, opens her eyes and then stares in shock at MAX, NIC and JESSE]

DARIA: [TRENT's V/O: "Eep."]

[Silence stretches]

Jesse: Hey.  [beat]  Didn't know you could sing Daria.  [beat]  Cool.

Jane: [JANE's V/O: "Sometimes, you just want to *hit* him."] Yo.  You guys are early.

Nic: [shrugging] Jesse needs some time to learn lead guitar.  [beat]  What's going on? [staring at DARIA]

Jane: Ah.  .  .  [Jane's V/O: "Crap."]

Daria: .  .  .  

[JANE is staring frantically at TRENT]

Trent: I can't sing.  [DARIA's V/O: "I would be making a sarcastic aside at this point if I was me rather than him."  [beat] "Well.  At least I finally got the tenses right."]

[There is silence as JANE, DARIA, MAX, JESSE and NIC stare at TRENT.  After several moments it's obvious that TRENT isn't going to say anything more.]

Nic: Why not? 

Max: Sore throat never stopped you before, man.  

Jesse [slow drawl]: Yeah.  [JANE glares at JESSE who looks a little surprised] [to JANE; confused] What?

Trent: I - [fakes cough - badly] can't sing.  Nothing sounds right.  [beat] And ah - I - [beat] yeah.  [beat; bad imitation of TRENT's drawl] You know how it is.  [stiff shrug] [DARIA's V/O: "If they believe that I'm going to sell them Texas."]

Max: So Daria's gonna sing instead of you? [stares at DARIA who is standing there, eye's wide] Cool.

[CUT TO: shoulders-up shot of DARIA - Mona Lisa smile]

[END SCENE 2]

[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: microphone falling to floor; JANE glaring at JESSE, DARIA's eyes going wide, MAX saying 'cool']


End file.
